The lipiad

Chapter 3 - thetis journeys to olympus

So speaking she went away from him, and traveled up the river
Odrysses, until she arrived at Olympus. She climbed the slopes
of stone, needing to rest many times and dry her face slick with
sweat. Upon seeing the gods' hall, the ever-merry Olympus,
she quickened and resumed her pace. As she stepped in, she
was greeted by baby-soft Hebe, cupbearer to her mother Hera
the Queen.

The youth spoke: "Nereid, come feast with my mistresses!
Here, take a drink!" And she held aloft a gilded chalice, filled
with sweet nectar.

But Thetis had wisdom, and made answer: "Smooth-skinned
youth, I acknowledge your hospitality and decline your gift."
For she knew the greed of Hera all-devouring, and to take her
food unprompted was unwise.

The heavenly youth led Thetis through Olympus to the feasting hall.
They passed by the granary, filled high with the fruits of Demeter.
They passed by the mill, where strong-armed Promylaia ground it.
They passed by the larder, where moon-faced Artemis butchered.
They passed by the kitchen, where doughy Hestia tended her ovens.
They passed by the wine-press, where wine-dark Dionysus labored.
He wept, for despite his love of wine, his queen had forbidden him
from tasting any meant for the goddesses' lips.

Upon seeing his half-sister, thirsting Dionysus cried out to her:
"O Hebe, bringer of libations, grant me your boon! For you have
grown plump in your mother's court, while I have grown frail!
Even the lees in the bottom of the oinochoi shall satisfy me!"

Hebe spoke to her brother: "Sorry, but my mother does not
permit bastards to sip from her cup or sup at her dinner table."
She then left him to his labor and walked onward.

At last, Hebe brought weak-kneed Thetis to the gods' feasting
hall. Outside, Thetis heard the sound of bellowing and trumpeting.
Joyful Hebe spoke: "You arrived at a good time, nymph Thetis.
If their wind is flowing, then they are not eating at the moment.
They will listen to your supplication now! Go!"

The lead-footed nymph walked into the hall and stared in awe.
The three goddesses of Olympus were the biggest that the
Nereid had seen, greater than any woman in the world. They
sat in a semicircle around a fire, where ever-working Adephagia
gladly turned her spit and roasting a cow of Apollo. She was
thin, for all she cooked she gave to the three goddesses at
the curved table surrounding her.

To the left sat Athene Tritauros. The goddess is also called
Aegis-wearer, for even her skills could not weave herself a
peplos wide enough to wear. For clothing, she wore naught
but her shield Aegis, held up by a belt from Hephaestus.
She was called Tritauros for the three ways she was like a bull.
She had a love of plants, eating fruits and even raw grains.
These would all decay in her belly and cause wind to pour
from the north of her body at all times, so she was also called
Athene Boreas. Because she could not reach her 'little piglet'
with her hands, she derived pleasure using an ox-horn. When
she would do so, she would erupt with Borean air while
moaning, making her speech sound like the bellowing of a bull.
She was bellowing Borean air when Thetis arrived.

Across from her sat Aphrodite Dihippo, for her buttocks and
thighs were as wide as two horses side-by-side. Her face and
hands glistened most beautifully from a surfeit of olive oil,
which she ate much of in meals and could drink like wine.
As such, her stomach would always roar, and her buttocks
trumpeted frequently, outpouring much wind from the south
of her body; for this, she was also called Aphrodite Notas.
She was emitting Notean air when Thetis arrived.

Between both sat Hera Pelomasto, for her two breasts were
long and full of fluid like clay amphorae. They lay across the
whole table, and she moaned as they dripped in two small,
ever-flowing streams into golden kraters. When one was full,
a servant would bring it to the kitchen to use in their cooking
and make their meals richer. For this, she was also called
Apeirrhoia, ever-flowing, and Galakrena, or of founts of milk.

Hera saw Thetis approach and called out to her as such:
"Who are you who approaches, small-figured one? Speak,
for you interrupt us in our most private and sacred hour."

At once, Thetis fell to her knees, and knelt forward until her
belly touched the soot-caked ground, and kissed the swollen
feet of Hera, daughter of Rhea. She spoke to the goddess as
such: "Many-chinned Hera, if ever before in words or feeds I
honored you most out of all the goddesses of girth, now grant
what I ask for. In Ilion, there is a host of narrow-waisted women
called Amazones, led by Penthesilea, their queen. They act
insolent and rebuke the example you goddesses set for all
women, preferring to clad themselves with bronze and dine
on meager portions like men at war. Shall you, mother of surfeit,
see fit to turns these unruly daughters of fearsome Ares into
models of Achaian excellence, worthy of the name women?"

She spoke thus. But Hera who bears founts of milk made no
answer but sat in silence for a long time. When she made up
her mind, she answered: "Thank you, round-bellied Thetis,
for telling me this matter. Come sunrise tomorrow, I shall deliver
holy retribution upon the Amazones, flat-bellied and impudent.
But first, I call upon my daughters to aid me and deliver a more
putrid retribution upon the impious men of Thebes."

The people of Thebes had recently hosted a Heraia, where the
edodromon was won by two women. The king was supposed
to sacrifice a cow to the goddess in the winner's honor, but
rather than sacrifice two, he said the contest was invalid and
sacrificed none.

The two Heraids, bolder-round Athene and callipygian Aphrodite
stood up with much effort and took seats on either side of
their mother. Good servant Kyamites brought forth cups,
filled with a paste of beans and oats in Hera's milk, flavored
with wine and honey. They drank two cups each, and soon their
stomachs roared like caverns full of wild beasts.

Athene, feeling wind-full, laughed and spoke in a voice low
and deep: "Look!—The—Gorgon—speaks!" This referred to
the image of the Gorgon on her Aegis, for the roaring of her
stomach seemed to come out of its mouth. She always spoke
in such a way, for between every word was a blast of Borean air.

The other goddesses laughed at the sight, then wide-armed
Hera spoke thus: "Come, daughters, let us rain a storm
upon the Thebans!"

They squeezed their stomachs, and a loud trumpeting rang out
from their buttocks, enough to shake the walls of Olympus.
Their winds flew out the windows behind them and down
the cliffs, gathering into clouds, and soon a putrid storm
had formed, with scorching winds and foul rains. With a
final push of wind, the storm drifted away, toward the land
of Boeotia, where it would rot the crops of the Thebans
and fill their streets with bad odors until the king repented
and performed the sacrifices as prescribed.

"You have travelled far to bring your supplication," spoke
the goddess many-folded Aphrodite, "and must be parched.
Take a chalice of nectar from my table and drink."

Lead-footed Thetis picked up the chalice, which was larger
than any she had held before, for the gods are larger than
mortals. It was full to the brim with nectar, radiating warmth
and light like molten gold. She brought it to her lips and
drank deeply, feeling the warmth reach her stomach. She
drank without stopping, and her belly began to swell as if with
child. When she finished the chalice, not a single drop was left,
and her stomach was taut and she seemed to be hiding a
boulder beneath her peplos. Despite her fullness, the Nereid felt
as though she had not walked a single step and was full of
energy. Thetis left Olympus the way she came and returned to
the ships of her son swift-footed Achilleus, who eagerly awaited
her word. She spoke to him thus: "Beloved son, I have travelled
to Olympus and prostrated myself before Hera the Queen. She
listened, and tomorrow, the Amazones shall taste retribution."