Taco Girl and Moon Stache save Omnomopolis


Main Street was a mess. It looked like a sandwich truck and an ice cream truck had been in a horrible accident. Actually, it looked like a fleet of each had had an orgy, gotten into a knife fight, crashed, exploded, then exploded again. It looked like someone had tried to re-enact the entirety of both World Wars using sausage and relish instead of bullets and heavy ordnance.

The normally porcinely peaceful city of Omnomopolis had, in the course of a single day, suffered the greatest crime spree in all of its long and storied history. Just today, it had been attacked by every last villain from downtown to the rural outlands and beyond: the Pop Tart Punks, the brothers Mac and Cheese, the Unspeakable Ab-Ramen-ation, the highwayman known as "Son of Orville Redenbacher," Dr. Cryo Cream, The Spaghetti-O Kid, Sandwich McPhee, and the Butter Fingers Gang. In fact the only baddies who hadn't attacked the town were the Villain school dropouts so inept at being evil that they couldn't even get a job as a manager at Wal-Mart.

And to whom had the job of stopping these twisted little sociopaths gone? None other than Omnomopolis' lone active superhero, Taco Girl. (There's never a cop when you need one, is there?) She'd polished off every last food-based freak so far and "incarcerated" them in her gastrointestinal tract, but after the day's work she'd had today even her legendary gut was nearing the limit of its capacity for crime fighting. The fact that she was currently up against a tag team of the worst villains in the city didn't help her appetite for either justice or comestibles.

"Put down that sack of adorable puppies that you stole from the Omnomopolis Bank, Sandwich McGee, and your end will be slightly quicker and less painful," said Taco Girl.

"Ha!" spat back Sandwich McGee, "You're in no condition to stop me from killing these adorable puppies I stole from the bank, Taco Girl; you barely managed to take on all the chump baddies of Omnomopolis, what makes you think you stand a chance against a legendary gunslinger like me and the notorious bad check cashing gang known as the Cookie Decuplets?"

"Chump villains, huh?" retorted Taco Girl. "You mean like your brother, Sandwich McPhee?"

McGee's self satisfied smirk turned into a disdainful scowl, then a look of utter sadness. His grip on his magnum revolver loosened slightly. "My... my baby brother? You ate my baby brother?"

Taco Girl didn't like using cheap psychological ploys, and she knew that trash talking to gain an upper hand was entirely un-heroic, but it was an act of desperation. She could see McGee was losing his nerve, and she needed every advantage in this fight. She forced a wicked grin (aided rather than hindered by the stuffed grimace her face was trying to make) and continued to demoralize McGee. "Yeah, I ate him, and you wanna know something? He had too much mustard. *Yellow* mustard. Mustard that was *Yellow*. You catch my meaning?"

McGee's frown turned into the expression of blinding rage. "You BITCH! My brother was no coward! And his mustard problem was a glandular difficulty!"

Taco Girl gave him another dose of humbling. "Judging by those tights you're wearing, I'd guess he wasn't the only one in your family with a genetic inferiority."

McGee turned bright red with both anger and humiliation. He once again tightened his grip on his iron, this time a little too tight for any kind of good control. "Well... Well... Your mom didn't complain!"

"Boss," said one of the Cookies, "take it easy, she's trying to mess with your head."

"Mess with my head? I'll mess with your head!" Shouted McGee, and pistol whipped a chunk out of one of the Cookie's chocolate chips. "When I want your opinion I'll tell it to you, you overgrown snack item!"

"You know what really gets on my nerves, though?" continued Taco Girl. "When I'm done with him in a few day's time, his remains will be mixed in with real *competent* supervillains."

Tears filled McGee's bloodshot eyes. Through clenched teeth he screamed, "I'LL END YOU, YOU SPANDEX COVERED COW!"

Taco Girl dove to the side as Sandwich McGee emptied his six rounds at her. Wasting ammo was a big mistake on his part. Nevertheless, she was still at a disadvantage; she was a big target, and slow moving, just the kind of target you don't want to be when up against a marksman. She scrambled on all fours and used every muscle she had, and by some miracle managed to take cover behind a small hill of ice cream left over from her battle with Dr. Cryo Cream. It was still very cold and relatively firm, but it was still only barely able to stop Sandwich McGee's bullets. If the weather had just been a few degrees warmer, this story would have a far unhappier ending.

Sandwich McGee charged at the ice cream mound, gripping his pistol by the barrel and holding it in the air like a tomahawk, screeching with the fury of a wounded animal -- the kind of screech that makes even the bravest of men regret wounding the animal in the first place. Taco Girl's eyes widened as he bore down on her with the weight of his entire body...

That turned out to be his second mistake. Even with all his noise and fury, he was still mostly white bread. Taco Girl caught his arms as he tried to bring them down on her, and twisted them behind his back. She lifted his feet off the ground in a graceful arc, and brought his head down to meet the asphalt behind her with a suplex made all the more amazing by the fact that her tight belly stuck up in the air nearly a full foot above her hips. After the five minutes it took her to stand back up again, McGee was still unconscious from the blow to his noggin, and he didn't feel a thing as she sent him in bite sized pieces into her stomach, giving a whole new meaning to "being processed."

She slowly turned towards the Cookie Decuplets (not so much for dramatic effect, but rather owing to the unwieldy flesh sphere protruding from her midsection), and with fire in her eyes and mayo on her chin, she stated the plain facts: "Not so tough without the big guy, are ya, suckers?"

Will Taco Girl have room for dessert? Will Omnomopolis ever be safe again? Will I ever revise this beyond a first draft? All will be revealed in next week's episode: RETURN OF THE MOON MAN FROM SPACE!
3 chapters, created 12 years , updated 54 years
5   0   6073
123   loading

More by this author