Chapter 1 - first and only love

As evening draws in; a man sits in a darkening room; in a chair by an open window; watching
the street and listening to the sounds of children playing. It's his only connection, now, to the
world outside.
He feels, as he alway feels; alone and in pain, and rightly, as though a part of him has been
taken.
Memories float by, too insubstantial to grasp. He can only call her back to him in a certain
way.
So, seeking her; the man moves with difficulty to a more comfortable chair and begins to eat a
pizza, one of four that sit in white boxes with red lettering, on the coffee table.
He doesn't taste them, nor does he care that they are hours cold.
As the man eats his eyes close and his thoughts turn inward.
He remembers her hands on him and her quiet encouragement. He can hear again her
murmured endearments. How she loved him to eat for her! She was always so gentle and
sweet to him. No one else had ever been so kind. Or kind at all, if he was honest. She was
his first and only love.
Always careful not to feed him too much, never wanting to hurt him; she kept him just fat
enough for their pleasure.
She forgave him his awkwardness, his tentative desire. He had been sure that she could
never want someone like him. And yet, somehow she had. Wanted him and loved him.
So now he eats and touches his swelling middle and pretends to feel her hands there. Pretends
to hear her voice. Her scent; lavender and vanilla fills the room of his imagination.
When he has finished all the food, he will lean back in his chair, not able to stand.
And aroused by his fullness and the memory of their nights of sweet excess, he will touch
himself until he achieves some solace.
As the pleasure fades away; he will remember her last words to him.
'Find someone else when I'm gone. Promise me that you will.'
He told her that he would try. He hated to have to lie to her. There won't be anyone else for
him; he knows that.
He will return to this chair and to her memory every night until he can no longer care for himself.
Then he'll use the little white pills that wait in a drawer by their bed to join his first and only love