Data Maxxing

Chapter 1

'This shopping list is a logistical nightmare,' she said as he walked into the kitchen.

He reached into a cupboard, grabbed a packet of Jolly Ranchers, and sat beside her at the table.

Despite the tablet in front of her, paper receipts were scattered everywhere, items crossed off and amounts adjusted in colored pencil.

She glanced at the packet in his hand and added Jolly Ranchers x2 to the list.

'I should really automate this,' she said, as he offered her one. She declined.

'At least I try to share,' he said, popping another into his mouth. He admired her dedication. Truth was, she enjoyed the planning as much as the result.

'Oh, check this out,' she said, tapping the screen and pulling up a time-lapse of his weight gain. She'd had him pose weekly, arms out, tracking every change.

Dates flickered by in the corner as the numbers climbed.

'Here,' she said, as the weight gain counter passed fifty. 'This is where it all started going to your belly. Neat, huh?'

She looked over at him, smiling as he unwrapped another sweet. The counter topped out at 101 pounds.

'Wow,' he said, patting his stomach. 'Guess I got pretty big, huh?'

'And these?' he asked, pointing at a row of rosettes along the bottom.

'Each one marks another ten pounds,' she said. 'I've got time-lapses from every angle.'

'Neat,' he said, dryly.

'And then there's this.' She split the screen, with the time-lapse on one side, a chart on the other.

'What's this line?' he asked, pointing at WHtR as it shifted colour across the graph.

He glanced at the key. Healthy. Fat. Superfat.

'Waist-to-height ratio,' she said. 'And you're not getting any taller.' She winked.

The line had turned green by the end.

'And "super fat" is a medical term, right?' he asked.

'No, silly.' She nudged him, then poked his belly. 'But it fits, doesn't it?'

'Charming,' he said, laughing.

She hesitated, shoulders dropping slightly. 'Sometimes I wish you'd help me out more with all this.'

He nodded. That was fair.

'Am I not carrying my weight though?' he said, patting his stomach.

She smiled. 'You are. But the shopping, two full carts a week now. It's a lot.'

'You try gaining a hundred pounds,' he said, jiggling his belly. 'I have to carry this everywhere, stairs included.'

'You like it,' she shot back. 'And shopping together could be fun. You can pick anything you want, my treat.' She looked at him hopefully.

'I hear you,' he said, then nodded at the tablet. 'What else you got?'

'All sorts.' She brightened instantly. 'This one's fun, your daily calories.' She pulled up a graph.

His daily intake climbed steadily. His weight lagged behind, jumping in bursts.

'They don't track consistently,' she said, tracing the line with her finger. 'Your body has to adjust, then suddenly catches up.'

'Impressive stuff, Doctor,' he said, admiring her doctorate, even though it wasn't in a medical field.

'I've been tracking everything,' she said with a wink. 'Some things more than others.'

He raised an eyebrow. 'You've been measuring that too?'

She blushed. 'Just, ... my observations.' Then, she put it more bluntly. 'You were bound to lose a little length.' She patted his belly. 'We've been focusing on girth though. And on that, you've done very well. Top of my class.'

He felt the heat rise in his cheeks.

'Moving on,' he said quickly, swiping at tabs. 'Any projections here?'

'Ooh, lots,' she said, practically beaming, then grinned at him. 'But all this data's working me up, so you're going have to drink me some cream.'

'That your snack for today?' he asked.

'Absolutely.' She stood up, then grabbed a carton from the fridge, and handed it over. 'These are just numbers.' She tapped his belly. 'This is my real world result.'

He raised the carton in a mock toast. She'd been picking him a daily no-questions-asked snack all that month.

'I suppose you'll be adding more of these to the list?'

'Back order's a wonderful thing,' she said. 'And you're going through those faster than ever right now.'

'Seems to be your favourite.'

'I'm efficient.'

'Maxxing me out?'

'Plumping you up,' she corrected. 'And documenting it.'

'Play the time-lapse again while I chug.'

She hit play.

He drained the carton, then belched. 'We should measure another data point tonight.'

'End of the week.' She ruffled his hair. 'And I know you're up.'

He wasn't sure which she meant, the bulge in his pants or his weight.

'What are these?' he asked as a file directory popped up.

Project Kickstart. Project Snowball. Project Top Secret.

She quickly closed it down. 'Don't you worry about those. I'm getting my results.'

She smirked. 'The clothing budget chart is my favourite. But later.'

'Why later?'

She shifted onto what remained of his lap and kissed him. 'Because right now, we need to get you out of your pants.'

'Another data point,' he said. 'My sex chart's going hyperbolic.'

She buzzed. 'Exponential. Fool.'

'Should've known better than to marry a math nerd.'

'That mistake costs you another carton.'

'Oops,' he said, patting his belly. 'Slipped up again. Not a mathlete.'

She stood up, and headed back to the fridge. 'Maybe,' she confirmed. 'But spherically speaking, you're right on course. Extra-extra credit in fact.'

She handed him the cream, then tipped it to his lips herself this time, and kept it up until the container was drained.

'Perfect.' She grinned. 'Think we have another data point just confirmed.'

***