chapter 1

Hey all! This one will be fairly short with a chance of going longer if people like it.

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1.
With an exasperated roommate scowling from behind, I tried to hide the mix of contempt and shame bubbling through my guts as I kept my eyes glued to the screen in front of me.

“But, Epsilon Alpha Tau?” I said, squirming as I slid a finger into the cursed band of my sweatpants, my bane over the last few weeks, “aren’t there parties a bit... intense?”

I could see my roommate Baker’s scowl deepen in the glare of my computer screen. Right then I didn’t care, I was focused on the piece of clothing trying to crush me to death. The waistband cut into a roll of softened flesh, pooching it out and giving me something too damn close to a muffin top for my liking. I pulled down, the skin pushing over gave relief, and horror.

“You haven’t been out once since winter break. I get you’re feeling-” my roommate looked down for a fraction of a second, the silence telling me everything he didn’t, “feeling down,” he continued, oh so smoothly, ‘but slumping in that chair all day isn’t going to improve things! You gotta get out again, Noka told me he’ll be there.”

I sighed and put down my controller. A blinking, ‘Defeat’ message punctuated Baker's words. I knew he was right, but until now I had been happy to sit here and wallow. ‘Feeling down’, was the all-too-kind way of putting how I had treated myself since the end of fall semester as a freshman at Ramsey University. I had arrived at Ramsey as a one hundred and thirty pound, five foot nine, ready-for-everything eighteen year old. Grades were number one, followed by social clubs, followed by parties. I threw myself into studies and social organizing, never hesitating to do an all nighter, either for fun or for study. I spent extra hours organizing events for our video game and pride clubs on campus, and made sure I was seen at every one.

Everything was going great. I was well liked, made a ton of new interesting friends, and my grades hadn’t suffered at all from the transition from high school. There was just one problem, well, two. The first, not being able to get laid, leads directly to the second. You see, I have high standards when it comes to men. I like them tall and broad, with muscles that beg to hold me and make me feel safe. Ramsey though, was a primarily tech focused school, with few athletic programs to boast about. Party after party went, and no pieces of meat passed my butcher’s test. That was, except for Noka.

Noka Buta, Japanese national, top biomed standout, was perfection. The first time I laid eyes on him at our pride slash magic the gathering crossover social my knees nearly buckled. Varsity rower, captain of the debate club, fabulously gay, Noka’s shoulders were as broad as his brain. He was chronically single, I hadn’t stalked him online for nothing, but no matter what I did it was like I was invisible to him. Sexually at least. We got on well enough at events, he was quick to laugh and a great listener, but whenever I would hint or lead him to more he just… stopped. That led to the second problem.

“Ooof, fuck!” I groaned in my dorm, still not fully dressed. I tried pulling the jeans up past my recently widened ass and huffed. The person staring back at me in the mirror had changed a lot since those strings of Noka related rejections. There was a layer of softness that had spread over me, my stomach pooched out over the stretched-tight waistband, even my pecs had softened up. Spinning around, I saw my ass, which had taken a lot of the weight, looking like it was about to burst out of the strained elasti-denim. I sighed and walked back to my closet, grabbing the trusty yoga pants that I had swelled in the last few months. That’s right, like a total cliche, I had completely let myself go after being stonewalled by Noka.

***

At first I said I wasn’t going to the parties to focus on studying. And at the time it was true. It was November and mid-terms were around the corner, and I couldn’t say it wasn’t time well spent. I aced all my exams, with one caveat. I had gained at least ten pounds. Any time not sunk into a book had me thinking of Noka and how I had blown any chance with him. Such sad thoughts led to impulse buy after impulse buy of pizzas, cookies, cakes and energy drinks. I didn’t care about my body, I just wanted to get my degree and get out of there. And it wasn’t like I thought I would actually gain any weight. I was young and had the metabolism of a cheetah. I had never had issues with my diet before. The weeks before midterms I stayed up late every night, one hand flipping text book pages, the other moving greasy food to my mouth on autopilot.

At first I thought my teenage calorie resistance had held up. All my shirts fit still, and at a glance I didn’t look any different. I celebrated the end of a hard year with friends, packed, and traveled to my grandma’s house for a nearly month-long winter break. That was a change from my high school routine. My parents were away on business a continent away, confident I could handle the absence now that I was an adult. Maybe if that hadn’t happened I would have been able to convince myself nothing was wrong, or better yet, gotten a much needed wakeup call. Mom had never hesitated to call out our relatives' weight gain. Deep down I knew my stomach was bunching up when I sat, and that the hard chairs at the library had magically gotten comfier over the course of the semester. My gain should have been obvious, especially for one so thin before. I had my mind on other things though, grades, my absent parents, and as much as I hated to admit it, Noka. It did end up being a nice break at least.

Grandma loved me like no other. Her only grandson among a half dozen granddaughters, she always loved to spoil. When I told her my romantic woes she looked to be in more pain than I felt. All the baking and cooking I had modestly sampled as a child was prepared doubly, and eaten with aplomb. For three and a half weeks I did nothing but sit on my butt, play video games, and gorge on everything eagerly placed on the table in front of me. There were pizza rolls, ginger snaps, brownies and tater tots. French fries, cupcakes, mac and cheese bites. All my favorites were gobbled down at record pace. And those were just the snacks! The more I ate the more Grandma cooked, I had never seen her so happy. We smiled and laughed together. Me eating made her feel good, and it made me feel good too. What didn’t make me feel good was the effect all those meals had on me day I had to leave.

I got out of bed that day, needing to grunt with the effort. I knew I had been overdoing it with the food, but I figured I deserved a week or two of overindulgence after a tough start to my college dating life, or three. I peeled off my yoga pants for the first time since I arrived, the first wobble of my new belly sending shockwaves of concern through me. I ran to my closet and grabbed a pair of jeans, ignoring the unfamiliar sensations coming from my flesh as I desperately pulled them upward. They just barely crested my butt, but as I tugged on the lapels it was obvious, they were nowhere near to meeting. An orb of jiggling dough persistently thwarted my efforts to button my pants, the bouncing blob seeming to mock me, and then it sank in.

I was chubby. I had made myself chubby.

***

“Ready Tolsty?” Baker said, trying to not cock an eyebrow at how ridiculous I looked stuffed into my outfit that I practically spilled out of. Preppy athlete he was, I glowered at him. The yoga pants looked like they were barely hanging on. My belly pushed out the bottom few buttons of my dress shirt, making me look even heavier than I was. I knew I’d have to tug it down constantly to not have it ride up through the night. The idea left me mortified. I faked a smile and put a hand on my hip with sass.

“Oh yea, Noka will be all over this hotness! Your teammate won’t notice I just gained forty pounds or anything, no…” A look I couldn’t describe flashed over Baker's face and I stopped. He quickly turned toward the door and pulled the university-standard handle with a sturdy, ‘click.’

“You never know…”