Chapter 1

Another day in Paradise, perfect in every way and I hated it. If this was really the best time to be alive, why am I so empty? I have nothing to worry about like disease, poverty, violence or any of the other terrible things humanity has dealt with since the beginning but it apparently wasn’t good enough for me. My life could be better but it couldn’t get worse even if I tried. If I got sick I could get treated, if I was hungry then I could just grab something to eat for cheap and if I wanted to talk to someone then I could go online to talk about whatever I wanted. I checked to see if something was wrong with me and was told that it’s mostly psychological, it only reinforced the feeling that I had no real reason to be sad.

The therapist I saw said she thinks I have a few reasons to be depressed; I don’t have a job, a family, a calling or any of the other things that give people meaning. The problem is that I have no idea how to change those things, it’d be easier if I just needed to take meds to fix my brain. Nope, I have to put in the work. I tried exercising but I couldn’t keep up the motivation. I dieted for a bit but I kept sliding back to old habits. I even tried dating but who the hell would want me? I wouldn’t want to date a loser like me so I don’t blame them. It’s worse than if my brain was broken, I, as a human being, was broken.

I tried to reach out to others but it never went anywhere. I guess people have better things to do than help me solve my problems. I don’t even want to solve them, so why should I expect anyone else to? Maybe it’s just meant to be this way, maybe I’m not supposed to be happy or maybe I simply don’t deserve to have a good life. The more I try the worse I feel, but the less I try the worse I feel too. Every now and then I give it another shot but it usually backfires somehow, either I get way over my head and expect to get better or fail in some spectacular fashion.

It’s a horrible cycle; be depressed, seek help, find none, self-loathing then get depressed again after seeing other people have what I don’t. It’s been like this since I could remember, I didn’t have the best life and that’s another thing my therapist reminded me of. She said it’s normal to feel bad because you didn’t have a good home, it’s common to not know what to do with your life, it’s okay to be confused over not having a place in the world and that it doesn’t make me any less human to get depressed for being lonely. I stopped seeing her because I hated hearing how I could “rethink” my problems, that I had the power to change.

I was a lost cause, if I couldn’t help myself then no one could. A lot of the time I think about ending it all but something always holds me back, like the innate fear of death or some vague hope that there’s something out there that’ll solve all my problems. But I’m never going to find it, not the way I live. I stay home all day doing nothing but use my computer. If I lived at an earlier time then I’d have to worry about health problems but I wasn’t so lucky. I’m so pathetic that I’d rather deal with real problems instead of the ones I made for myself.

I was so out of it today that I didn’t even get out of bed. The world felt too heavy to bear, it was just easier to do nothing. I stared at my alarm for hours, waiting for nothing. I kept my pills right next to me so I could take them first thing in the morning but even that seemed impossible. I had to do something, this wasn’t a way to live. Every ounce of energy I had available was used to sit up, even more to stand. I wanted to go back to bed but I knew it wouldn’t help, it’d just keep me miserable. I popped a pill and trudged my way to the shower.

It helped a little which made a mountain of difference. I put on clean clothes and forced myself outside, I had no idea where I was going but it wasn’t my lair. It was a rainy evening so it wasn’t much brighter than my room, most of the light came from the city skyline. The air was rich in ozone, a nice contrast to whatever I was breathing at my apartment. The shuttle system was extensive so I could get pretty much anywhere I wanted in the city, this had the side effect of blinding me to all the places I had to walk to. I didn’t know there was a cafe just down the street, I wondered if they had anything good.

To my surprise, there were actual humans working there. Androids are so common that it’s standard practice in the food service industry, only high-end restaurants do it the old-fashioned way. I was worried about the price but it was the same as any other shop, lower even. I walked up to the counter where a cute barista waited. “Hi, I’m Hazel. I haven’t seen you here before, is it your first time?”

I was shy when it came to pretty girls, latina brunettes were no exception. “Y-yeah, I was wondering what you had. My name’s Isacc.”

“Well Isacc, I’m glad you stopped by.” She seemed sincere. “Lots of people like our donuts and muffins but it’s the coffee that sells. Care for a sample?”

“Sure.” I got out my wallet.

“Oh you don’t have to pay, it’s on the house. We do this thing where you get to try something new every time you pay a visit, it’s totally free.”

That surprised me. “I don’t get that kind of treatment from the robots.”

“Yeah, we like to be warm and friendly here. You can’t program that kind of hospitality.” She grabbed a small cup. “Is there anything you’d like to try?”

I looked over the options. “What's the Cookies n’ Cream?”

“Oh it’s my favorite! We add white chocolate cream to the brew and mix it in with cookie crumbs and milk chocolate chips. We usually add espresso to it.”

“Sure. But hold the espresso, I might want to sleep tonight.”

She chuckled briefly. “Okay.” It was made shortly. “There you go,”

I thanked her and went into the lobby, there weren’t that many customers in it so I had plenty of space to myself. The semi-flirting gave me a boost, I haven’t talked to a flesh and blood woman in I don’t know how long. I know she’s paid to be nice but it made my day, well night at this point. I’m glad I did this. As time went by, I saw others come and go while I stayed. The sample was so good that I bought a cup and a couple pastries to go with it. I was apparently there long enough that it was the end of Hazel’s shift, I watched her leave to go into a car driven by what was likely her boyfriend. There goes any chances I might’ve had.

It was ridiculous but I felt jealous, like she somehow belonged to me. The emotion passed and turned to melancholy again, I might as well have stayed in bed. I would’ve gone back home but what was the point? I’d be just as sad there as I was here so it didn’t make a difference what I did. I’ll just leave when I can’t stay any longer, maybe I’ll go to a bar next. I expected the manager to kick me out but all he did was ask if I needed anything, I guess I can stay as long as I want to.

I had a habit of leaving my devices at home so I couldn’t be tempted to use them, my therapist recommended it to be in the moment instead of worrying about other people’s lives. It helped me be more mindful but it was easy to get bored. I thought about it and maybe I should try dating again, get my shit together and put myself out there. It wasn’t like I was going to be happy doing nothing. I realized that coming here was the first step in that endeavor, my therapist would tell me to really appreciate and be proud that I made an effort for myself.

I didn’t want to go to a bar, drinking wasn’t going to help. I threw away my trash in the recycling bin and headed out. But before I got to the door, a woman walked in. She was not ordinary in the slightest; she was gorgeous, sexy and very fat. Obesity was rare these days, given how far medicine had come in the past few centuries. Most parents opted for their kids to be given certain drugs that inhibit weight gain, so childhood obesity was unheard of. Combine that with the amount of gene-editing done for everyone’s benefit and fat people are practically extinct.

Needless to say, I’ve never seen such a big girl my whole life. Her black hair was long and wavy, framing her chubby face beautifully. She had the most vibrant blue eyes I’ve ever seen, emphasized by her stylish black glasses. If her face wasn’t eye-catching enough, her body took my breath away. I’d hazard a guess that she was well over 300 lbs, rocking the curves to show it off. Everything about her was round and looked soft, from her generous chest to her thick thighs. Her gait was surprisingly confident and graceful for her size. I should mention that she worked here, stopping as she passed by. “Can I help you?” She wondered.

I was swiftly brought back to Earth. “Uh… yeah.” I hesitated.

She seemed a little annoyed. “Do you know what you’d like?”

I felt like an idiot, I gawked at her so she probably thinks I’m a creep. “Um actually, it’s my first time here. I’m not sure what to get, have any suggestions?”

She put on a cheery attitude. “Yeah, I can even give you a sample.”

It’d be easy for her to find out I already had one given the manager was still here. “That’s okay, what would you recommend?”

We went to the counter. “Well I like pretty much everything we have, if you couldn’t tell.” She referenced her obvious appetite. “But my favorite would have to be the Cinnamon French Toast with an extra pump of vanilla. I get it all the time.”

“Must be good then, I’ll get it just the way you like it.”

“You sure?” She smirked. “It’s a lot of sugar, it might be too sweet for you.”

“No it’s fine, you made it sound amazing. I’ll take it.”

She shrugged. “Okay, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.” She punched it in. ‘XXL French Toast+’

“What does the plus mean?”

“Oh it just means it has extra stuff in it like cinnamon, cream, vanilla and espresso. I drink it since I do the night shift here, this place is twenty-four hours.”

She got out a 30 oz. cup, what the hell did I agree to? “Really?”

The drink was being prepared. “Yep, pays a little extra. I’m a night owl anyway so I don’t mind, though it does get pretty boring sometimes.”

I watched her make it, getting a good look at her from behind. “I’ll bet.”

“Yeah, most people just order online so I hardly get to talk to anyone.”

“Sounds isolating.” I saw how quick she was, probably worked here a while.

“Kinda, but I don’t have to deal with shitty customers so it evens out.”

“Is it just you here at a certain point?”

She was finishing up. “No, there’s the night manager and the maintenance guy. We chat sometimes but it’s really just me doing most of the work.”

I took the beverage. “That doesn’t seem fair.”

“Eh, beats some of the other jobs I can get. Better than fast food.”

I remember being in that position, choosing between different bad options. “Fair enough.” There was an awkward moment between us, I was expected to have my coffee and leave. But I wanted to stay. “Would you mind if we talked more?”

She looked over her shoulder to see if the manager was watching. “No, better than waiting for someone to come in. You don’t have anywhere to be?”

“Not really, it’s ten at night and I don’t have work in the morning.”

“Why not just hang out with your friends?”

The problem is that I don’t really have friends. “I’m a night owl too. I like it nice and quiet when most people are partying or sleeping.” I hope she bought it.

“Me too, I’d rather read a book.”

I haven’t read a real book in a few years. “What do you like to read?”

“Usually sci-fi and fantasy, sims are fun but my brain has better graphics.”

“What are you reading now?”

“Heh, funny you should ask.” She reached under the counter and pulled out a slightly used novel with a bookmark in the middle. “I read it to pass the time.”

I looked at the cover. ‘Superluminal: Black Sun’, the cover had a tough yet alluring space captain with an event horizon in the background. “What’s it about?”

She started getting excited. “It’s part four in an ongoing book series, I started reading the first one last year and I was hooked. The main character discovers that her DNA is spliced with a long extinct alien race and gets abducted by an inter-galactic empire so that they can use her to take over the universe.”

“I imagine they don’t succeed or else it wouldn’t be a series.”

“Well they tried to brainwash her but the more they helped her unlock her powers the less control they had, she escapes in the first book and they’ve been hunting her ever since. I’m honestly obsessed with these books, they’re great.”

Her geeking-out was really cute, I admired her passion. “Wish I had something that good to read, you make it sound epic and interesting.”

“You can borrow mine if you want, I think you’d love it.”

“Are you sure? You don’t even know my name.”

“Well mine’s Olivia, nice to meet you.” She said genuinely.

It felt weird being friendly, just because no one’s given me the opportunity to be. “Likewise, it’s Isacc. Do you have the book with you?”

“Nope, I’d have to bring it tomorrow. If you’re willing to read it.”

She was indirectly inviting me back, does she like me already? “Sure.”

“Great.” She looked back again. “I should look busy, someone’s gonna come in sooner or later and I don’t want flak. You don’t have to leave though.”

“I’ll be over there by the window.” Some teen girls walked in soon after so I let her work. What is it about her that draws my attention? It can’t be her weight, can it? Olivia’s very pretty, that I can say with confidence but I can’t pinpoint what I like about her.

I haven’t even tried the coffee yet, it honestly intimidated me. I took a sip and was blasted with extreme sweetness, I won’t be finishing this anytime soon. She has these every night? No wonder she’s as big as she is. The girls sat close enough that I could hear what they’re saying. “God did you see her?”

“How could I not? She’s huge, she probably eats everything they were gonna throw away every night.”

“If I start getting fat I want you to tell me, I don’t want to end up like her.”

“Don’t worry, you don’t eat anywhere near as much as she does.”

“Hey, she might have a condition. Maybe she can’t control it.”

“She can fix whatever she has, she ‘wants’ to be that fat. Don’t pity her.”

“I guess…” The voice of reason was shot down.

“Now let’s go, I don’t like thinking about freaks like her.” They left.

I was floored, yeah they were teenagers but that was wrong. I went back to the counter to check on her. “Hey, are you okay?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Did you hear what they said?”

“I don’t care what people say about me anymore, I’m used to it.”

I could tell she was a little hurt, at least annoyed. “Does that happen often?”

“Less than you’d think, though I don’t pay attention so I wouldn’t know.”

I wanted her to feel better, so I offered my drink. “Want some?”

She seemed confused. “But it’s yours, you paid for it.”

“Then I can offer to anybody I choose, go ahead.”

“Are you sure? I can get my own for free.”

“I want to share, you look like you could use some.”

“I guess.” She grabbed the cup and sucked on the straw, making me feel things I haven’t before. “Yeah, I needed that. Thanks, I feel better.”

I tried to be aloof but I was probably failing miserably. “Anytime.”

She seemed curious. “You know, you didn’t have to do that. Why did you?”

There were a lot of bad answers and few good ones, so I had to pick my words wisely. “You said you like those, so I figured it’d be nice to share with you.”

Olivia shifted her weight, putting her hand on her waist. “Funny, I thought you were gonna make fun of me. It’s happened to me before.”

“Why would I do that?”

“Most people give me weird looks, when I walked in I thought you were one of them. But I was wrong, you seem cool. Have you seen fat people before?”

“Actually, you’re the first one I’ve ever met. Biggest I’ve seen are women who augment themselves to be curvy or thick, you’re on another level.”

I probably said something weird. She raised an eyebrow. “Is that good?”

Again, I had to pick my words carefully. “I think it looks good on you.”

“Really?” She asked with light surprise.

“Yeah, you look good in general. You even make the uniform look good.”

Olivia started blushing and got shy. “Heh, that’s nice of you to say.”

I’ve never been a good flirt so I was proud of that one. “I thought you deserved to hear it.” I offered the cup again. “Want some more?”

She was hesitant but took the offer. I watched and realized I enjoy seeing her drink so much, I even liked the gulping sounds she made. It was a strange but pleasant feeling seeing her have about a third of it. “Sorry if I had too much.”

“No problem.” I didn’t want to push it too far so I didn’t want to give any more. “Well I should probably go, don’t want to keep you from your book.”

“Oh no it’s fine, I’m enjoying your company.” She looked nervous. “But if you have to go I understand.”

I wanted to stay so badly, but I didn’t want to get her in trouble. “Should I come back at the same time to pick up the book?”

She seemed to forget about that. “Oh yeah, I come in at ten every night.” I could see her weigh something in her mind. “But if you want to meet up earlier that’d be fine with me.”

That was unexpected. “Like where?”

“Wherever, though somewhere public is preferred.”

Obviously she just met me so I’m not meeting her at her place. “That’s gonna be in the evening right? Would you want to get something to eat?”

She was pleasantly surprised. “Sure! I have a few places in mind.” She caught herself. “Not that we have to go to all of them of course. Hehe…”

God she’s adorable. “Sounds like a plan, where do you wanna go?”

“I’m not sure, I wasn’t planning on going out.” She pulled out a piece of scrap paper and wrote on it. “Here.”

She gave me her number. “Yeah, I’ll message you tomorrow.”

“See ya! I hope you have a safe walk home.”

I waved her goodbye and walked outside. Am I going on a date? I think she asked me out. A rush of joy flooded my brain, I couldn't have guessed I'd be going on a date, let alone with someone so… unique. Why was I so smitten with her? Did I have a thing for bigger women? I didn't really care if I did or not, I was too happy to think about it.

I was so excited that I didn’t realize I was already home. There was a kind of dread when I approached the door, a lot of dark thoughts and emotions were held here. I walked in and was appalled from the assault on my senses, how do I live like this? I don’t, not in a good way. I needed to make changes.

It took until after midnight but most of my place was cleaned, nothing too deep but the clutter was gone. Stuff like dishes and laundry could be done in its own time but I made an important first step. I can’t even remember the last time I really made my home livable, that was the part that struck me the hardest.

The rest of the work could be done tomorrow, I had plenty of time before meeting up with Olivia. I worried that I was pushing myself too hard in fixing my life but as long as I paced myself it should be fine. These things happen one step at a time. I actually set my alarm instead of waking up whenever I felt like it, another thing I wanted to change.

My mind was buzzing while I tried to sleep, so much has happened today. A stray thought of how normal people don’t consider walking to the local coffee shop and cleaning your apartment to be a lot but it was for me. I regret having caffeine, now I couldn’t sleep and I didn’t know what to do. I could worry, or I could accept and work with it. I know what my therapist would suggest.

Guess it’s time to do more housework.