chapter 34 - trevor 17

Chapter XXXIV
Trevor
Starstruck Cinema, 24th of April, 05:17pm

Paolo is shocked: "How can you be so chill about it?"
I shrug my shoulders as I show the tickets to the ticket taker. He lets us pass.
"They sent you a likely letter!" he exclaims, before grabbing me by the arm and jumping.
"Paolo, we're about to go into the movie theater. We'll talk about this later, okay?" I tell him, before dipping my hand into the popcorn I'm holding.
"Oh, come on, there’s always an hour of commercials! Tell me more!"
Paolo was lucky enough to be in the right position as I opened the post before going with him to the movies. I don't hide that I’m happy: a likely letter from the Drama department of Vassar College is no small thing. I thought my scripts were too "pop" for them, but apparently I underestimated how strong experimental playwriting is going these years. The interview had gone well, but I didn't think it went THAT well.
"It's for a Drama major… you know I'm more into Economics."
"If you don't go you're an asshole," he whispers in my ear, resting his hand on my right butt cheek.
"Hey!" I scold him, laughing, "I'm just not that good of an actor."
"Meanwhile, they practically admitted you before the others."
I put my hand back in the popcorn box.
"What is it?" he then asks.
"What?"
"You're already running out of popcorn. You're stressed."
"You just told me I'm too calm, Paolo."
He arches his eyebrow and crosses his arms: "I'm not going into the movie theater until you explain what's wrong."
Paul is a softie, but one thing I didn't expect to discover about him is that he can be very bossy when he cares about something. I've always considered him a bit passive in situations, but his admission to the University of Hawaii has given him a divine confidence boost.
"I didn't eat lunch today, I was hungry."
He stares into my eyes with intensity. He doesn't believe it for a second.
I have never had sex as passionate and exciting as I have in the last few months. In these weeks Paul is more confident, energetic, happy, and creative. I discovered that food sex makes me see the stars. As a result, I've been very calm and relaxed lately… most of the time, at least. See, the truth is - he's not wrong. I'm hiding it like a pro but I’m stressed.
I shrug my shoulders again, trying to let him know not to worry. I keep walking toward the cinema room, but he stops in front of me with a jump.
Haughtily, he puts two fingers on his forehead like a military man: "Smile & Happiness police. I can't let you pass."
I put my hand in front of my face and laugh, "You're cringe."
He suddenly hugs me.
"Tell me what's wrong. You know we can talk about anything."
I sigh, still hugging him. People stare at us, but I don't care. They're probably jealous of the piece of Italian meat I managed to grab.
"I'm going to miss you a lot, you know that right?" I confess to him in a low voice. I'm afraid to raise it and make it real.
"You too, Trevor. I'm going to miss you a lot."
I am surprised to notice that my eyes are glazing over. I clear my throat and pull away from him.
"But we'll talk often, you know" he adds to comfort me.
Whatever, Paolo. We'll be in touch between a surfer fuck and a private study session with your daddy professor.
"What?"
"I said that out loud, didn't I?"
He squints: "Trevor, that's not a funny joke to make."
"Sorry…” I murmur, “I just feel a bit ugly lately. I'm getting so fat, I'm almost afraid to weigh myself. And you look really good, and if I go to Poughkeepsie we'll be like eight thousand miles away.”
He sighs: "I appreciate your honesty."
This time it's me who takes on a surprised expression and asks him to explain.
"C'mon, we were going to have to talk about this sooner or later. Might as well do it now."
"Paolo, we are inside the movie theater."
"You're more important than this movie."
"Hey, don't mistreat Wes Anderson!" I scold him, poking him in the ribs.
He throws his hands up as if I'm about to arrest him, then repeats: "Really, let's talk about it."
I rub my left arm with my hand, flustered.
"And by the way, you are so, so beautiful, Trevor Phillips."
"When you leave, no one will tell me something like that anymore."
Something in his gaze broke. He got sad.
"I'm obese, Paolo. And, don't get me wrong, I feel really good when I look in the mirror. But it's also because it's you who makes me feel beautiful. I don't know if I can feel beautiful without having you by my side."
He scratches his head, ignoring my gaze. He is no longer as confident as he was just minutes ago.
"Do you want to talk about it? Let's talk about it, then" I continue my speech, "because I don't know a couple that could last for four years at the extremes of a continent. You are so happy, though, I just don’t get how you can be so detached by the fact we will probably break up by the end of the year."
He is about to say something, but he takes too long and my anxiety takes over: "I don't understand how I can stop thinking about the end. About when I'll drive you to the airport, and our whole thing will just evolve into something so different and unknown."
"I'm just trying to enjoy my remaining time with you. Here" he says.
The movie has started, the ticket taker has closed the door. Paolo and I, in the precise middle of the hallway, are protagonists of one of those scenes Wes Anderson likes so much: the ones where the symmetry of the shot meets the ambivalent togetherness and distance of his own characters.
"I can't shut my brain up, Paolo. And you're right: we have to figure out what to do. Because the options are not so many, and they are not even so diverse."
"They are not so few, in my opinion" he shyly replies.
"Oh no? Go ahead and tell me, Paolo, because part of me thinks you'll forget me once you leave. And I hate myself for even considering it as a reality."
He, spontaneous as always, tells me he will take a while to list all the ideas in his head. He suggests we go to dinner and talk it over. He heads for the exit without waiting for me.
"What about the movie?" I ask, confused.
He turns around and smiles at me cockily: "Let’s do take-away and illegal streaming at mine. Netflix and chill is a bit cliché."
I shake my head, laughing like an idiot. But within seconds I go from laughing to crying. I cover my face in shame as he approaches me, worried.
I am in love with Paolo. He will hurt me as much as everyone else I ever loved, if not more.