Chapter 5 - What was delicious enough to create this deliciousness?

We celebrated our anniversary on December 7th with a little weekend getaway. We drove 2 hours to stay at a cabin in the mountains, eating chocolate, drinking wine, and enjoying ourselves. Mikhail planned a perfect first anniversary trip, and with how much we stayed glued to one another, hopefully our last trip before we’re parents. We drove home, my stomach stuffed and aching, Mikhail no different as he gave himself some slack during the holidays and enjoyed himself as well. We still have Christmas to get through, then New Years, so part of me is intrigued if he’s going to gain any weight himself.

We saw Mikhail’s family again for Christmas, who rightfully asked if we were already expecting. I’ve gained so much in recent months it’s still embarrassing but I deserve it. I’m doing this to myself after all. Almost 5 months of being a pig, outgrowing old clothes and bras. I had to buy DD bras with some extra pounds going there recently, preparing for even more weight soon. Mikhail made sure to stuff me like a Christmas turkey again, but this time he was more obvious while doing it now that his family knew what we were doing. His sister swooned over how adorable I carried a food baby.

New Years was uneventful. We drank too much at home and just kept having sex as much as we could until my January meeting. I look in the mirror and my body doesn’t feel like my own at this point. The scale reads 152, 6 pounds over the last month, which very well could have been much more. My stomach sticks out but my chest sticks out further. My hips and butt didn’t grow as much as my chest last month. My boobs hurt with how much they’ve grown. I feel my soft warm fat, kneading its foreign feeling, trying to act like it isn’t mine but knowing darn well it is. I put on my maternity pants and my nicest loosest shirt I have that’s not very loose anymore. My blazer isn’t doing the best at hiding my stomach since it’s getting a bit snug. The one large button on the front is tight under my boobs but it’s all I own and I’m not ready to buy a bigger size. Mikhail isn’t home to stuff me this time so I eat a bagel and some fruit before I leave. I’m hungrier than usual by the time I get to the office, and Jake doesn’t appear to be popping out of his shirt this time but definitely gained a few holiday pounds, so he must have bought new shirts. I’m a little embarrassed that I didn’t do that for myself now, pulling uncomfortably at my fitted clothing.

Fruit, muffins, and donuts were today’s breakroom snacks, a nice change from just donuts. I went straight for the fruit along with many others, trying to scarf it down first before feeling guilty about eating muffins and donuts. I take a cranberry orange muffin as I talk with Cindy and Doug first again.

“These muffins are really delicious,” Doug says.

“They sure are,” Cindy agrees. “The holidays really did a number on me. I lack willpower so no wonder I’m unable to lose weight.”

“You look fine,” I reassure the older woman. She doesn’t look to have changed over the last few months. “I should be the one worrying. At this rate I’m going to be too fat to get pregnant.”

“Nonsense,” Cindy says. “You have a beautiful figure. I was heavyset when I had my kids. You enjoy yourself, dear. You won’t have as much time once you have a baby on your hip.”

I make my rounds talking to everyone and no one comments on my weight or tight jacket, just asking about my holidays and anniversary trip. I was so hungry and distracted I ate 3 muffins, a donut, and a bunch of fruit, which I rationalized as being both breakfast and lunch. Everyone else was eating to their heart’s content today which left only a few donuts and muffins for me to bring home thankfully. I drove home and immediately started getting hungry, the muffins and fruit not being much less sugar than just straight donuts. I stop at the Taco Bell drive thru for a proper lunch and order a black bean quesarito, 3 chicken tacos, a quesadilla, 2 potato soft tacos…before I realize my eyes are bigger than my stomach and stop. The cashier asks how many kids I have, assuming all this food was for them as well. I lie and say 3, thinking that should be a good number.

I drive home a little embarrassed, bring my food inside, and eat on the couch. How many kids do I want? I’ve always wanted a big family but how many kids wasn’t something Mikhail and I put a number to. We just wanted to start trying and see what happened. I feel a little saddened that it’s my fault we’ve been married a year and still have no children. I feel discomfort but bury my feelings into the last of my chicken tacos. As I lean slightly forward to get a final bite, I hear a pop. My horrified eyes look down. The single button on my blazer popped off. I quickly finish my food, determined now to eat it all. I wash my hands, feeling how far back from the sink I need to stand. I grab my sewing kit and start my mission to save this blazer. I sew the button on and hide it back in my closet for our meeting next month.

I finish some work but decide to take a nap. I was either exhausted or Mikhail managed to be quiet, because I didn’t notice him home until I felt a large hand rubbing my belly which jarred me awake. He whispers in my ear, hand still on my belly, “what was delicious enough to create this deliciousness?”

“Don’t do that! You scared me,” I say, rolling over to face him. “Jake brought in muffins, donuts, and fruit, but I got Taco Bell for lunch. My eyes must have been bigger than my stomach because I’m so full.”

“Mmm, I can tell.” He presses himself up against me. I can feel how far my stomach sticks out underneath my chest. I feel huge but it must not be that bad if my boobs still reach him first. Mikhail turns me back around so he can cradle and rub my body, which evidently leads to careful baby-making escapades. I start to wonder what it will be like trying to have sex with a proper full-term belly on me. I hope time really does it so I can focus on gaining weight while pregnant and not just to get fat.

It’s January14th and we’re getting ready for Sarah and Matt’s baby shower. We texted alot during the holidays but didn’t get together so I haven’t actually seen her in awhile. She doesn’t post pictures of herself on social media often, and I want to say the last time I saw her body was a picture about 4 months ago. I’m anxious to see what she looks like now, almost 9 months pregnant. But my first hurdle is getting dressed for the party. I check the scale and I’m 154, up 2 pounds in about 2 weeks. Let’s see what stretchy clothes I can cram my fat body into these days. If it’s not my stomach, it’s my chest. If it’s not my chest, it’s my butt. There always seems to be something that doesn’t fit my curves right, even more so the bigger I’ve gotten.

On one side of my closet I find a turquoise and black stretchy v-neck dress from a few years ago. I wear alot of black but shades of blue usually seem to look good on me with my dyed red hair and pale skin. I am sure to pull on my new larger shaper shorts first to smooth out my obvious weight gain, then the dress, then some jewelry to distract and voila! Yet I still look like the Pillsbury dough boy in the mirror. My arms and face are noticeably soft. My chest sits full in my bra, creating deep cleavage, which I’m not complaining about. I grab a long cardigan which helps conceal somewhat.

Mikhail keeps his hand on my knee as we drive. As we park, he moves his hand to rub my shoulder. “You look beautiful,” he assures. “You’re glowing, babe.”

We go inside and I almost do not recognize Sarah. I know pictures can be deceiving and it’s been a few months, but she has ballooned up beyond what I thought possible. She was about 170 when she got pregnant and by the looks of her, she’s pushing 250. Her belly was round yet not obviously firm like most pregnant bellies. You could tell her weight wasn’t all baby, adding padding on all parts of her body. Her blue muumuu style dress did her no justice; if anything it made her look bigger without shape. Her chest was hidden but if I had to guess, her body was prepared to feed the baby with an extra cup size, overshadowed by the girth her middle presented.

“Annie!” Sarah squeals as we embrace. Her hug is soft and warm like a mother’s. We walk into the kitchen area to talk. “I’m so glad you guys made it! Hey, Mikhail. Oh my goodness, I haven’t seen you in so long. How are you liking the method?”

“Um, it’s different,” I say hesitantly. Am I supposed to like gaining weight? “It’s taken some getting used to. I was hoping I only needed 20 pounds like you but obviously it’s taking me a little more.”

“I actually gained 30 before we got pregnant. And I’ve just kept gaining since. I’ve really enjoyed myself and let go of so many of my insecurities. I’ve never felt more confident in my body than I do right now. You’re going to love being pregnant.”

“Well hopefully that’s sooner rather than later. Where is your restroom?”

I see myself in the direction she pointed. I’m feeling a little unwell but chalk it up to nerves from seeing people. I get my composure and find Mikhail who’s talking to his coworker/Sarah’s boyfriend, Matt, who appears to have put on some weight himself over the course of this pregnancy. Mikhail hands me a plate with snacks and finger foods which I quickly scarf down without realizing it. Mikhail’s little smirk has to be from watching me out of the corner of his eye. Matt points to the kitchen where the food is, so I shyly walk in and find Sarah picking through the trays.

“I just can’t stop eating,” Sarah says. “Explains why I put on so much. My first doctor only focused on eating healthy and not gaining too much so I switched. Pfftt, I’m going to enjoy myself.”

“If you don’t mind me, asking….how much have you gained?” I feel deceived by her revealing she actually gained 30 earlier, so now I’m not sure if I’m accurately gauging her weight.

“Hmm, I was 175, now I’m about 260…so 85 pounds. Sheesh. This baby is already spoiled,” she laughs.

“What did the doctor say is recommended? I read so much online I get anxious,” I reveal.

“She said about 25 pounds total, which I had already gained a bit more than that BEFORE getting pregnant, and then I reached 25 more by like 4 months. Oh Annie, I can’t wait for you to experience this. It feels like a secret language only we know when I talk to you about it like this.”

“Yeah, it kinda does.” I’m in disbelief that she’s content gaining 85 pounds. And she still has another 4 weeks to go. I nonchalantly feel my own belly snatched beneath my shaper, trying to envision gaining 85 pounds. The almost 30 I’ve already put on feels foreign to me. Wait, if she’s gained 85 pounds… that’s over 10 pounds a month? I guess if how much food she’s shoveling in right now is any indicator, it explains how she managed that. And then I come to realize I myself just pigged out in the kitchen alongside Sarah while we talked. I feel my shaper strained containing my filling stomach, but also feel unwell. Was this because I skipped breakfast? Has my body become used to Mikhail stuffing me so often that I needed it? Wanted it? Liked it?

I run to the restroom where I quickly vomit in the toilet. Fuck. I’m glad I made it but that’s embarrassing. Sarah waddles down the hall and barges in, closing the door behind her. “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME???” I’m confused and must look it while kneeling on the floor. “Annie, you HAVE to be pregnant! Let me get you a test!” My face is in shock. She opens her medicine cabinet and hands me a test. Taking it feels like a dream, like I’m on autopilot. I can’t process the positives on the 2 sticks. What I have been stuffing myself for has finally paid off. Is this real? Am I really pregnant finally? I share with Sarah how part of me wants to celebrate but part of me is cautious due to previous miscarriages. I’m positive Mikhail saw us so I can’t hide this from him. We leave the restroom, Sarah smiling ear to ear, me in a daze.

Mikhail pulls me aside and asks if I’m alright. “I…took a test. It was positive.”

“What?” Mikhail couldn’t contain his excitement. “That’s fantastic news, babe. What’s wrong?”

“I just don’t want to get my hopes up yet like before.”

“I get that. But this is amazing. It’s a step towards what we’ve been trying for. I’m so happy.”

Sarah opened her baby shower presents and we mingled a bit longer before I told Mikhail I felt unwell again and wanted to go home. Some of it is nerves and some of it probably is from potentially being pregnant. I give Sarah’s baby bump a pat and feel her unborn son kick me. It felt magical yet alien-like. Sarah gave me the information for her current doctor that she liked. Don’t get your hopes up yet, Annie. Stay grounded until the doctor confirms things.