Chapter 1 - An introduction to pre-March 2020

**Author's note: this story is loosely based on a personal experience with massive weight gain while pregnant. Enjoy!**

Beep beep beep!
I reached over to turn off my alarm. 6:45am. We settled into a routine once I started working from home where Jason would get up before me and get our 3 year old son ready for daycare. Once I woke up I would take Zeke to school and return home to start work.

It was mid-March 2020 and I was only a few weeks into working from home. I have been at my company a little over a year now and as an extrovert I deeply missed going in office and physically interacting with people. I've never been comfortable wearing jeans, so even though it was a business casual work environment I'd still choose stretchy dress pants, skirts, or dresses, not wearing much makeup, and never doing much with my long auburn hair.

I've always been someone who carried a little extra weight, but prided myself in having some muscle that I barely had to work for. I'm only 5 feet tall but pretty strong. I'm one of those people than on the rare occasion when I do reveal my weight to someone, they are usually taken aback because I apparently don't look as much as I weigh. It's flattering but I've been self-conscious about my weight my whole life. Even in high school at my thinnest and at the peak of my eating disorders, I still thought I was fat at 135 lbs. Oh, how I wish I was as fat as I thought I was back then. I'll admit that I have some pretty low self-esteem, so when people tell me I have a pretty face, I almost take it as an insult, as if the rest of me isn't pretty.

When Jason and I first got together 4 years ago, I quickly got pregnant. I was pretty big at 190 lbs and was self-conscious that he was going to leave me if I gained too much weight. My eating disorder brain kicked in and I was definitely not eating a healthy amount of food. I was obsessive and read so many charts that said somebody with an obese BMI like myself should only gain 10-15lbs and there's higher risk of complications (preeclampsia, high birth weight, gestational diabetes, etc.).

By birth at 38 weeks, after barely eating and with no complications, I still somehow managed to gain a whopping 25lbs. I beat myself up but lost it all in a couple weeks by again starving myself. I was just relieved that my son was born healthy at 8lbs 6oz, but I was back to 190lbs, extra stretch marks, and an even looser, softer stomach.

Jason never said anything about my weight so he's not one to blame, but as our relationship grew stronger, the more comfortable I felt with him. He never asked me to lose weight but supported me when I'd ask for accountability while trying to eat healthier. I'm vegetarian, which in itself isn't an unhealthy diet, but can be high in carbs. For an endomorph body type like mine, carbs are the enemy so I need to watch what I eat. As long as I'm eating fruits and vegetables and enough protein, I should be healthy, right?