Chapter 5

I’ve been feeling great lately, probably because I now have a real girlfriend and my mom’s seeing someone again. The only problem is that my job sucks: the hours suck, the pay sucks and my coworkers suck. The worst part is it takes time away from my precious Ash. We talk pretty much every chance we get but that’s pretty much only nights for a few hours at most, when Ash doesn’t have shit to do. I’ve been getting better with a camera, experimenting with different kinds of shots and researching everything I can wrap my brain around. It feels like life’s getting better, I was worried I had depression but now I’m determined and motivated. I’m either working on myself or doing my day job, so a lot of my mental and physical energy is spent by the end of the day. Lack of energy means I’m eating a lot more than I used to, I’ve just been so hungry lately.

Mamma still hasn’t shared her recipe, she says I’m ‘not ready’ yet. I don’t know what that even means, what’s so complicated about mixing a few ingredients together? I’ve been needing to carbo-load and her pasta would do the trick to get all the energy I need, at least I think that’s what that term means. She keeps telling me that she can’t afford to restock what she needs to make it, that we should only eat it for special occasions. I call BS, she used to eat that all the time but now she can’t make it as often? Something doesn’t add up, I’ll find out that recipe whether she likes it or not.

The holidays are coming up which means I’ll be seeing my grandma soon, she’s the one who passed it down to my mom. I would’ve asked her already but she’s not the type to use the internet and for some reason Mom won’t give me her phone number. No matter, I’ll figure things out. For now, I’m trying to improve my cooking skills by making dinner more often. There have been a few mishaps but I think my food’s getting better, I want to make good food for my Ash in the future. It’s a win-win-win; Mamma doesn’t have to cook every night, she’ll start trusting me more to give me the recipe and I can satisfy my BBW’s appetite.

I haven’t met Eric yet, he and Mom went on their second date and she raves about how lovely he is. Sometimes she feels guilty for beginning to love another man but I reassure her that Papa would want her to be happy, that she’s allowed to move on. She wants us to know each other, either before or after their next date. I think she should take her time with this guy, if he’s truly the one for her then it’ll be worth the wait but if he’s not what he’s cracked up to be then she’ll only disappoint herself with high expectations. Really only time will tell, I want her to be happy regardless.

I dread the day I have to confess my love for Ash to my mom, I just know she’ll be crushed that I won’t give her grandchildren and I’ve been putting it off. Ash has it worse, says her family doesn’t approve of her ‘lifestyle’ but that they still love her. She feels that they’re just being polite but really they think less of her, that’s why she went to a school so far from “home”.

I want to see Ash in person so badly, I’m trying to save enough money to get her to fly out here and back for the holidays but scrounging that much cash has been a challenge. She wants to split it but realistically at best she pays a fourth, she doesn’t exactly have a large bank account from working at her school. Even if I can get her out here, I’d need to explain why my plus-sized princess showed up to the front door. Honestly, I’m coming to terms with the inevitability of me coming out. I always considered it a future me problem but now it’s an obstacle to what I want. It’s not even my mom that I’m worried about, it’s the rest of the family and the fallout from them finding out.

I have no idea how to tell her, it’s a very personal thing and springing it on her requires tact. Ash told me she regrets the way she came out, on her eighteenth birthday when her parents took her out to dinner. Her mom made a scene and her dad couldn’t look her in the eyes, it was one of the worst days of her life. She feels better identifying as gay at school but it’s the opposite problem, no one really cares all that much. The people that do just see her as ‘gay’ and not as Ash, she says it almost feels exploitative. Being a lesbian isn’t her sole identity, there are so many interesting dimensions that I love about her and her loving women is one facet.

So that’s been my life as of late, it’s not the best one but it’s mine. I actually appreciate it more than I have in a long time, being grateful isn’t just a saying to me anymore. Admittedly, I’ve been living on autopilot since my dad died. It was so sudden and so life-changing that I guess I didn’t know how to adapt, everything changed in such a short amount of time. Mom had to get a new job as a bank clerk, the wisest man I knew could no longer guide me and I had to be more responsible than what I was ready for. But eventually you have to learn to live, to survive, even when it hurts. I think Papa would be proud of me, picking up the broken pieces.

I’m going to talk to Mamma, tell her everything. I need her to know, I can’t keep hiding anymore. I want to tell her tonight, after her date with Eric. Her mood will be uplifted and she’ll be too happy to be upset, at least that’s the plan anyway. I’ll even have Ash on standby if I need her, it’ll be hard but I know I can do it. She says her and Eric are going to the Fall Festival tonight, it’ll be perfect.