Chapter 1 - Confessions of a Sexually Depraved Hog

When I first shared my story on here, I shared it to connect with people and feel supported despite my embarrassing situations. I remember getting a message from someone asking if my libido had increased due to my weight gain, and at first I didn’t think much of it, and found the question a bit random.

But now? Now I understand.

I used to consider myself a simple foodie, someone that ate an exuberant amount of food simply because of their love for food. But I now realize that I’ve become something much more dangerous than that. I’ve become addicted, not only to the taste of food, but to the feeling it gives me. The feeling of overstuffing, of knowing you’ve gone way past your calorie intake, of feeling like your gut’s about to burst open. I know I’m doing something “bad”, I know I’m self-destructing, I know my belly will get bigger, but I just can’t stop. And I find it incredibly exhilarating. I’m unstoppable, animalistic, I’ve reached a point of no return. I could be thin and married to any guy I want right now, but I chose the path of laziness, of gluttony, of greed, of excess, and that’s much more exciting to me. I should be embarrassed about the fact that I used to be thin, pretty and popular and that I am now the mean girl who peaked in high school and got fat. But I’m not, it’s inexplicably thrilling to recall how I used to look and see myself now, knowing that it’s not slowing down, knowing that I’m letting myself swell into oblivion. I’m a spectacle, a cautionary tale, and that’s so fucking hot to me. I see the way people look at me when I’m in public, especially the old ladies that have a hard time masking their disgust when they see me in the bus. A guy my age hasn’t looked at me in ages. It excites me to know the only people that want to go near me have a fat fetish, that they’re only turned on by how grotesquely huge I am or find it hot to see how hard karma has punished me for being a fatphobic mean girl in high school.

I haven’t had any time of sexual intimacy since high school and it’s clearly driving me nuts. I’m attracted to any man I see, even the ones I wouldn’t have batted an eye to when I was thin, even the old ones. One time this guy my age delivered a pizza to my house and I could barely speak, I felt myself blushing, and my underwear was immediately drenched. I’m a mess, but the fact that I’m so huge and grotesque makes me even hornier. I get turned on by my own body. Every jiggle, every pants adjustment, every time I knock something over or bump into something, I just immediately moan.

The other day, I tried getting in bed and I was struggling. The bed creaked as I crawled onto it like a gorilla, with my belly spilling onto it. The struggle was turning me on so bad, I started exaggerating it a little bit. I moaned, wheezed, groaned, flopped and rolled for minutes. I couldn’t get enough of how heavy my ass was, how much my belly spilled and how it touched my clit, how my boobs pressed on my double chin as I laid down. And as I kept doing it, I came and orgasmed into my pillow. I laid there for a while, out of breath, fascinated with this new feeling. Fascinated with what I’ve become. Now, I do things like that on purpose to give me the same feeling. I crawl on the floor like a hippopotamus, feeling how heavy my tits and belly are, how they scrape the floor. I roll myself, pretending like I’m Violet Beauregarde. It’s completely addictive, and my behaviour is probably only going to get more unhinged.

And this is only scraping the surface of how horny I am.