Denial

Chapter 1

I felt like a fairy tale princess from the first day I met Gary. I didn’t expect him to be so thoughtful and loving. He took me to plays, long romantic walks in Central Park, to museums, the opera, and the theater. We cooked together and were getting fat together.

Gary and I were lost in each other after that special New Years Eve after he confided in me that he was a feeder. Gary, himself, was over 400 pounds and was still growing…slowly. He had gained steadily for years, but now he turned his focus toward me…his new project.

In the beginning of our relationship , weeks before New Years Eve, I was embarrassed and shy about my growth. I was 134 pounds when we met. He took every opportunity to provide me with food. My diet was indeed challenged. Since our dates seemed to revolve around eating and I being such a glutton, I quickly put on 10 pounds. I began to do what most women do, layer my clothing, wear looser clothing, and only show myself when the room was dark – otherwise I was wrapped tightly in a robe or sheet so he couldn’t see where all the extra calories were manifesting. I thought I hid my weight well under layers of clothing, but Gary knew and relished the few new pounds on my slim frame. He told me that I would be sexier and more alluring if I weighed more. Gary wanted to fatten me up at least another 20 pounds. He vowed to help me…wanted to…fantasized about it.

So, on that New Years Eve, I told him I would allow him to fatten me up. I was so tired of denying myself food and this man actually told me that he would love me even if I got fatter. I let him stuff me full of food that night and many nights after that one. I progressively grew larger. My breasts becoming fuller…my thighs thickening, but remaining firm, and my midsection becoming rounder and softening ever so slightly.

We both worked in Manhattan. At first, we only got together on the weekend since I lived in Queens. He would wine and dine me, feeding me all weekend. Even with all of his effors, my progress was slow. I frequently went to the gym on my way home from work. Yes – the gym. Even though I promised to gain for Gary, I quickly began to have second thoughts. I began to ask myself – What are you thinking of?! Like so many other women I had spent so many years in self-deprivation – Don’t eat that. It’s fattening. You’ll gain weight. You can’t gain weight. I can’t wear that until I lose a few more pounds. No, no, bad…bad. So, I dieted, starved myself to maintain my “perfect” weight. I ignored the terrible ache deep in my belly as the hunger gnawing away at my insides. Hunger pangs yelling for me to just open my mouth and take one small bite…

So, I tried to renege on what I said to Gary. I snuck in the gym and ate practically nothing until I saw him on the weekends. I would then be so incredibly hungry, I would devour whatever he put in front of me. But, then I would repent soon as Monday came around - my stomach rumbling and howling for food as I would run, run, run on the treadmill faster and faster, desperate to take off the weight I had gained over the weekend.