Chapter 1 - lust consequences

After many years of being home schooled I was being put into a charter school run by the same principal. It was a nice place & everyone there was artsy in some way or another. The teachers were nice & they had just about any program you could imagine. On the day of orientation, when everyone went to get their schedules made, lockers assigned, etc. I noticed a girl there. She was plump, by which I mean big & round & soft! From the first time I saw her I was enthralled with her beauty! Not only was she physically attractive, but she was a very kind person! On top of all that she could sing & even dance! I was about 13 when I saw her & it was my biggest mistake in my honest opinion. Why? I was a stupid teenage boy hyped up on puberty! I wanted her, but how did I go about the issue? I stalked her like a creeper! As a young adult male I am easily turned on by appearance alone. There were other chubby girls at the school, but she was closest to my age being a week older than me. I feel as though I not only ruined my life, but I most likely scarred hers as well! I tried to cultivate a friendship with her, but I could never work up the courage to talk to her. I wanted to always be around her, but I did so in the worst possible way. I stalked her, put random love letters in her locker & even tried to give her flowers picked from around my home, but I never just walked up & started a conversation. I am ashamed of how I acted & I wish I could change the past! I was such a creeper that finally when I was in the 11th grade she had her friend deliver a letter to me that read that she didnt like me in the same way, but she would always consider me a friend. It devastated me. I dont blame her for what happened. All that transpired was my fault. I wanted a relationship & in the process destroyed one. She & I did have friendly conversations after so obviously she has forgiven me, but I dont think I can forgive myself. I have several mental issues that make it harder for me to be social, but none of them excuse my actions. I was an idiot & now I reap the consequences. I find that I was little more than a stupid teenage boy who wanted attention & lusted after an innocent lady. Not only did I do that at school, but I also looked up fat porn on the interwebs & continuously questioned myself on whether or not I could be with her. For Zods sake, I even rolled a six sided die once to determine whether or not she was my soulmate! Now I am alone & I believe that I will never find love...