Currently untitled vampire weight gain story (work in progress)

chapter one (finished...i think)

Note: It's pretty broken up and needs plot holes filled in. Please remember this is a work in progress. I really need good feedback because I'm so new to writing erotica. >.<

A few specific questions:

- Is there too little sexual content?

- Is there too much emotion?

- Is it stupid?

- Should I burn it?

Here it is:

Vampire Weight Gain Story Currently Untitled

Chapter One

Rachel banged away angrily on her keyboard in the Starbucks. Her skeletal fingers flew across the keys at rapid fire.

"I don't eat like a pig!" she typed.

Her good for nothing mother was at it again slandering her name all over the internet. She was blathering on and on about her daughter's weight. In her mother's eyes 110 lbs is too fat and no man would want a girl that large. A size 3 was far too big! Those goddamn model standards were going to kill her one of these days.

She sucked in a breath, feeling the skin stretched over her ribcage. “What more does she want?” she snarled.

She stopped and sighed, closing her laptop.

She glared at her cup of green tea. She would do unspeakable things for a real coffee and a cheeseburger. Her stomach felt so hollow she wanted to cry but instead gritted her teeth and squeezed her eyes shut.

The hunger pangs were far easier to deal with than her mothers constant critique. Even sneaking food was no good. Her mother could sense every calorie she ate as if it bulged out from her skeletal frame.

An image of herself with ripples of fat pouring out from her body flashed through her mind. She shook her head and brought her fist down on her laptop in anger.

She stopped and sighed, closing her laptop.

"Hey," a smooth voice said.

She looked up to see a man with dark hair and deep brown eyes wearing a black knit sweater.

She arched an eyebrow. He was too attractive to take an interest in her. "Yes?" She asked.

"You seemed to be having a bad night. Can I buy you a coffee?"

Rachel laughed, trying to conceal her almost tears. “I could go for another green tea.” she lied. The thought of another green tea made her want to vomit.

He arched an eyebrow. “Have you tried a caramel macchiato?”


“Would you like one?”

Her willpower crumbled. If her mother asked she could tell her that a guy offered. It should hold off the jabs about her body. “Yes.”

He ordered the drink and returned with it, sliding it to her.

He sat in the chair across from her. "So what did your laptop do to deserve such abuse?"

There a hint of a playful smile on the corners of his lips.

Rachel exhaled and took a sip of her coffee. The warm, sweet liquid filler her mouth and flowed into her stomach. She moaned, taking a deep breath in, feeling her stomach expanding.

She probably wasn't going to see this guy again and she really needed to get some stuff off her chest.

The man sat there patiently waiting for a response. Rachel snapped out of her daze.

"My stupid mom. She keeps posting shit about me. She makes me sound like a monster!"

His eyebrows raised in concern. "That must be awful," he said.

There was genuine sympathy in his voice.

Rachel shrugged. She didn't want to elaborate. They would always ask questions and believe her mother. She didn't want to deal with that tonight.

She swiped her coffee cup and got up. "Thanks for the drink," she said.

He followed her. "Um...what are you doing?" she asked.

"It's dangerous at night. I want you to get to your car safe."

His face was serious.

Rachel rolled her eyes. "My home is a few blocks away. I'll be fine."

"I would very much like to make sure you get there safe all the same," he replied cooly.

"I don't even know your name…"


&q uot;I'm Rachel."

"Now that's settled. Let me walk you home."


Rac hel jammed her hands in her too large sweatshirt pockets and started walking towards home.

She felt the sticker that had “small” written on it in her pocket. She had ripped it off her sweatshirt earlier that day. For a moment she got lost in the softness of a newly bought sweatshirt enveloping her tiny body.

"You know I've made this walk dozens of times before at much worse hours."

"I know," Thorin said off handidly.

"What?" Rachel asked stopping in her tracks.

"I know what you mean...I have too. It's still not safe. Just because you have done it before doesn't make it safe!" He said quickly.

Rachel gripped the pepper spray she had tucked in her pocket.

"You sound like my dad," she muttered as she continued to walk.

"Haven't you heard the news stories?"

"What news stories?"

"There has been an increasing number of murders and kidnappings in this area."


He nodded and took out his phone. He pulled up a page of news stories and handed it to her.

She scrolled through them. "Oh...well thank you…"

"Feel free to add your number," he said with a wink.

She smiled and blushed. "Okay." She quickly added herself to his contacts and gave his phone back.

"How do I know you're not the killer?" Rachel wondered out loud.

"If I wanted you dead you would be dead," Thorin replied bluntly.

They reached her house. "That's not encouraging."

"Why? We just walked three blocks alone in the dark. I had plenty of opportunities to drag you off and kill you. But I didn't did I?"

He smiled and Rachel lost her train of thought momentarily.

"Lucky me," she laughed.

"Have a good night Rachel. We'll talk soon. Stay safe," he said and left.
3 chapters, created StoryListingCard.php 4 years , updated 4 years
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Theswordsman 4 years
Don't burn it i find too intriguing i do think the characters need more descriptions and i would like to know thier back stories but so far so good.
BBWcreator82 4 years
Show more, tell less. More emotion and descriptions. Ditch the prologue and turn it into chapter one.

Good luck.