Chapter 1 - 2003

5 November 2003
Dear Diary, My name is Kyra. I feel like I need a journal right now because I miss Mom a lot. She's been working so much lately, and I barely see her. It's been hard for me these days, I feel really alone most of the time. I don’t really have anyone to talk to, so I guess that’s why I’m writing here. I’ve also gained weight, and I’m not even sure why. Maybe it’s because I’m sad or stressed, or just trying to comfort myself in small ways. I don’t really know, but I feel different, and I wish someone noticed how hard it’s been for me. Sometimes I just sit in my room for hours, staring at the ceiling or scrolling on my phone, not really doing anything. I get bored so easily now, and even the things I used to enjoy don’t feel the same. I’ll be turning 18 very soon, but I don’t feel excited about it. I thought things would feel different at this age, more fun, more freedom, more… something. But instead, it just feels empty sometimes. I wish I had someone to share things with, to laugh with, or even just to sit in silence with and not feel so alone. I’m actually glad I have this journal now. It feels kind of nice to write things down, even if I’m not sure how to do it “right.” I’ve never had a diary before, so I don’t really know how I’m supposed to write in one. But I guess there are no rules, right? Just me and my thoughts. That feels comforting somehow. Like maybe, even if no one else is listening, at least these pages will. So… yeah. This is my first time, and I don’t know if I’m doing it okay, but it feels like a start.

9 November 2003
Dear Diary, Lately I’ve been feeling so hungry all the time. I don’t know why, but I just can’t seem to stop eating. When Mom is home, she’s too tired to cook, so we always end up ordering out or heating something premade. It’s just easy, I guess. But that means a lot of fast food and unhealthy snacks. I feel like I’m constantly hungry for something sweet or salty. It‘s like my body is out of control, and I can’t say no. Today at school, one of my friends made a comment about how I look different lately. They said I look “rounder” than before. I tried to laugh it off and say I just gained a few pounds, but it hurt. They keep asking what’s wrong. I don’t know how to answer that. “Everything” feels too dramatic. “Nothing” feels like a lie. So I just smile and say I’m tired. That part, at least, is true. Tired of pretending. Tired of expectations. Tired of me.
I already feel self-conscious about my weight, and it’s hard when other people notice too. I ended up buying a scale today. I don’t know why, but I was curious. I just wanted to see how bad it was for myself. As soon as I stepped on it, the number appeared: 180. I can’t believe I’ve gained so much weight. How did I let it get this bad? I feel so ashamed and embarrassed.

15 November 2003
Today I tried to eat healthier today, but it was really hard. I don’t know why, but it’s like I can’t stop myself from eating, even when I’m not hungry. It just feels like there’s this constant emptiness inside me, and I keep trying to fill it up with food. I tried to distract myself with movies and music, but nothing really worked. I just keep thinking about food all the time.

16 November 2003
Today I had a really tough day at school. I was zoning out in class again, and my teacher kept calling on me to answer questions. I just couldn't seem to focus. And then during lunch, my group of friends were talking about this party they're planning for the weekend. They didn't invite me. I shouldn't care that much, I barely wanted to go anyway. So why does it still hurt? After school, I felt really low and lonely. I ended up stopping by the store to grab some comfort food. I bought a bag of chips, some chocolate, and a soda. I told myself it was just a one-time thing, but as soon as I got home, I ate everything, and I still felt crappy. I tried to distract myself by scrolling through social media, but all I could see were skinny girls and happy couples. It just made me feel even worse about myself. I just wish I was better at everything, especially at losing weight.

29 November 2003
Dear diary, It's been a while since I last wrote here. A lot has changed lately. I've stopped talking to almost all my friends from school. I just don't feel like part of their group anymore. They're out there, having fun, going to parties, while I'm sitting here alone. It hurts, but I guess I just have to get used to it. On top of that, I keep struggling to control my eating. I've gained even more weight, and I feel so self-conscious now. My clothes are starting to fit tighter, and I just feel so uncomfortable in my skin. I finally decided to talk to Mom about my weight gain, but she just brushed it off and told me not to worry about it. She says it's normal to gain a little weight as you grow up, but it doesn't feel normal to me. I'm so uncomfortable with myself, and I just want to feel better, but I don't know how.

1 December 2003
Today was my 18th birthday, but it didn't feel like a celebration. Mom was still working late, so we didn't even have a cake or anything. I ended up spending the evening alone, scrolling through social media and feeling jealous of all the people having fun. I feel so lonely right now. It's weird, but birthdays always make me more aware of myself. It's like a reminder that I'm getting older and everything's changing, but I don't feel ready. I still feel so young inside, but my body is telling me otherwise. I wish I could feel more confident, but right now I just feel like an embarrassment, an overweight mess.