chapter 1

Look at you, you’re incredible. I’ve never seen you eat like this before. I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I like it. Mmm. I want to kiss those chubbsi-wubbsi cheeks, you are so cute I could put you in pigtails. Mmmmm, pudding face, pudding face…

Okay, I’m sorry! I’ll get out of the way. I just wanted to hear you chew. Mm, kiss and down, kiss and down, kiss and down, tummy time, tummy time, you are getting so big oh my God, look at the way you just spread over the mattress. Ton-ton-tummy-tum, ton-ton-tummy-tum, yum-yum-yum. You have tummy here and tummy here and tummy here and tummy right here in the middle and it’s all the same tummy. You must be awfully talented to do that…

What do you mean you’re done? How could you have finished everything?

Okay, that is just not true. I can’t believe you said that. I am not stingy! Jesus! Of all the things you could call me! I got you everything you ordered AND hot wings AND garlic knots AND a cinnamon roll pizza.

Will you listen to yourself? You are actually screaming. Listen to yourself. I’m going to see what’s in the kitchen. I’ll be right back. But you know I don’t like being yelled at.

Okay, could we please not fight? We’ve got you some Chips Ahoy, some Funions, and a case of Ensure.

Vanilla.

Well, I know but you always make me buy one chocolate, one strawberry, and one vanilla and then you never want to drink the vanilla ones so that’s what’s left.

Are you sure?

Okay. Just let me lay down… Oh, my God, your leg is so heavy, do you have to put it right on my chest — heurgh.

Huh… don’t press… heurgh … let… breath…

Huh. Huh. Huh. Oh, God. Huh. Huh.

It’s not funny — okay, it is, go ahead and laugh. I bet I look like a bug stuck under a raw loaf of bread. God, you are heavy, though. You shouldn’t press on me, that actually hurt. I can still feel it in my ribs. Sure, I’ll go get you something. Just figure out what you want.

Of course I liked it. I need your fat on top of me. You know I love it when you overwhelm me. I love feeling you throw your weight around. You aren’t flabby, you’re a flabbalanche and I love, love love it. Now tell me what you want so I can get going.

Well, the grocery delivery comes around noon-one-ish so since you want more pizza stuff and Chinese and burritos, we’ll do it this way — I’ll call in the burrito order so I can just pick it up when I get there and we can order the rest delivered when I get home.

No, we’re not calling delivery now. If it shows up when I’m gone you’re just going to screw things up. Remember what happened last time? I don’t want to talk to the cops again. That was too weird. Do you remember how they looked at us? No. No.

You’re getting crumbs all over the bed.

Please don’t say things like that. That isn’t true and it hurts my feelings.

Listen to yourself. Listen to yourself. There is something wrong here. It’s not just the way you’re yelling. It’s not just the way you’re eating. You are totally out of control. Totally. Maybe I should just wait for the groceries and let you make do in the meantime. You won’t starve, there’s plenty of calories in that Ensure and if you’re too spoiled to put them in that great big fat belly-belly-belly it’s not my fault.

Don’t talk to me that way, how can you be too mean —

Are you sure?

Okay, let me lay down. OW! Jesus, that hurt — OW! How can you do that? Doesn’t it hurt your belly to just slap it down like OW!

Huh. You’re so heavy. Huh. So heavy. Huh. Heavy. Huh. Huh.

Gruuhhhgh. Oh, shit, get off get off.

Gruuuuugh. Huh. Off. Off. Please.

Please. No, don’t — gruuuugh. Huch-huch.

Pluh. Pluh guh up.

Hurch. Huh.

Guh. Uff. Muh.

Guh. Uff. Muh.

Guh. Uff.

Guh. Uff.


Guh.


Uff.

Uff.


guh

guh

…

“ Well, that’s what you get for being stingy.”