Hidden Longing

Chapter 1 - Shame and longing

For over five years now, I have been with my girlfriend Mia. For some, this may be unusual since I weigh only 65 kg and she weighs over 100 kg. But I love her above all, because in my eyes she is not only extremely beautiful and sexy, but I can always rely on her and know that she is always there for me.

I must confess that her weight plays a certain role for me and I have long had the desire to live out my feederism kink. Early on, I realized that I had this preference – whether it was in that episode of Totally Spies or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Extreme weight gain fascinated me back then, just as it does today.

Now I am 20 and have always kept my fetish to myself because it is just too embarrassing. After all, it is definitely an unusual fantasy to want to make someone fatter. Yes, I admit that I secretly hoped my girlfriend Mia might be a feedee or that I could make her one. But in the five years of our relationship, she has shown no signs of it.

To my shame, I must confess that, although I can usually share everything with her, I never had the courage to reveal my innermost need to her. Maybe I'm afraid of her reaction – that she would tease me about it, laugh at me, or even leave me. The thought of telling her that I would like her to be fatter just seems too abnormal to me.

In addition, she already has to hear from her parents and grandparents that she is too fat. I don't want to exert any pressure either. Nevertheless, this desire within me is growing stronger. The secret search for BBW and SSBBW models for my pleasure still excites me, but it is slowly losing its appeal.

But what should I do to find relief? I even thought about asking one of those online feeders if I could be their feeder. But that would be a betrayal to my girlfriend, wouldn't it? Besides, it certainly wouldn't be cheap – all the food and clothes I would have to buy her, just to get feigned attention and interest.

Today, someone new moved into the apartment across from mine, and it seems like my prayers have been answered. I estimate her to be about 160 cm and 150 kg. She has very large breasts. Sarah gets along really well with Mia and me, which I don't mind at all, as it briefly sparks my imagination. But that thought quickly fades away – why would I? I will not cheat on my girlfriend.

After long and intense contemplation, I come to the conclusion that there is only one possibility: Since I can't tell Mia about my fetish because it's too embarrassing for me, I have to live it out on myself.

That means: From now on, I am on a special diet – only fatty and unhealthy food, along with gain shakes, preferably pure butter and lots of cream. I know my way around the community well, as I've been lurking anonymously for a long time and have picked up quite a bit of information.

I hesitate when I want to stuff myself for the first time. I reconsider my situation, then close my eyes and just go for it. It feels wrong yet right as I now shovel everything into myself carelessly every day, while I keep drinking Gain Shakes that I hide in the apartment so Mia doesn't find them.

Every week I step on the scale and rejoice at my weight gain – the growing belly, my muscles diminishing, and how I am becoming increasingly flabbier overall. Of course, it doesn't go unnoticed for long, and Mia laughs at me for getting fatter.

'You or me,' I think to myself as I stuff myself again afterwards. I don't know why I feel so attacked in this moment, since she can't help it. It was my decision not to tell her about my fetish and instead to fatten myself up. And that's exactly what I now do in every free minute secretly – but by now with great contentment.