Chapter 1 - Taft Meme Status

Secretary Of Defense:
"You wanted to be in charge."

President Of The United States:
"Yeah, well… I didn't think it would require me to upgrade to the first ever XXXL Bulletproof Presidential Sunday Dress."

Secretary Of Defense:
"Your Doritos partnership was the winning strategic element that secured our alliance with the American food industry. Without their support we'd both still be writing bad cheques for cheap afternoon thrills."

President Of The United States:
"Easy for you to say, Alex. You didn't get stuck with Bigger Than Taft meme status."

Secretary Of Defense:
"Come on Commander-In-Chief Alyssa. It's not that bad. It's only a few pounds."

President Of The United States:
"Only a few pounds! Try 222! I'm about to break 400! I feel like the actual Weapon of Mass Destruction. When we started the campaign I felt a little chubby at 166 pounds, but this is getting out of hand."

Secretary Of Defense:
"Yeah, but your ratings are through the roof! The American public loves seeing you get bigger. We were hoping for 500 pounds before the next State Of The Union Address."

President Of The United States:
"..."

Secretary Of Defense:
"Come on POTUS! All of the Doritos you can eat, free for two lifetimes, and becoming the first Plus Size American President. This should be a dream come true for you."

President Of The United States:
"The Oval Office quakes when I walk through it. I'm a Hulk for Freya's sake. I never thought in my life that I would weigh 388 pounds. How big does a girl need to get in order to be the Woman In Total Control of Herself?"

Secretary Of Defense:
"Big, apparently. But it's fantastic. The American public has never approved of another leader as much as you."

President Of The United States:
"Okay. As long as I don't get stuck in The Presidential Bathtub. Hand me two more fresh Family Size bags of Doritos® Flamin’ Hot Cool Ranch® Flavored Tortilla Chips."

Secretary Of Defense:
"Good. That's the spirit. Another 12 pounds should only take a couple of weeks and we'll have the whole world on the way to being on our side again."

President Of The United States:
"On their way!"

Secretary Of Defense:
"Yeah, according to our Analysts you will need to hit 442 pounds to gain the trust of the European Union and 612 pounds to get South Korea on board with our economic reform plan."

President Of The United States:
"Six hundred and what! If that is what it takes. Get the Presidential Kitchen baking my Executive Whoopie Pies at six times their normal speed at twice their normal size."

Secretary Of Defense:
"Yes ma'am. Double-sized Executive Whoopie Pies it is."

President Of The United States:
"Godspeed."