Chapter 1

Spring 2002 letters


1) Dear Carol!

I've liked very much your recent post at yahoo club... and I'd like to make and hold contact with you. I want to say that i fully share your attitude and congratulate you with having it and with having such a splendid husband. My name is Sandra, im very large girl myself (over 265 kilos = 600 pounds at near 160 cm of height which diminishes my mobility greatly), 27 years... now being married to a very nice man, who is much more than just a FA and does all for me. Best wishes to you and your husband, (it seems that we have much in common!)

Sandra.


2) Dear Sandra, You seem to be a soulmate. I truly trust and love my husband deeply. Guess what I got for Easter, a wheelchair, because it is simply to hard for me to walk. This X-MAS he changed the house, so everything is handicapped accessible. This is great, because even when I fully immobile I can still be «free» in the house. But when he is around, I pretend to be totally immobile. I totally enjoy it, because I behave like a baby. The problem is, I like it so much that I would like to be a baby 100% of the time. I like to ask some questions... Are you still taking care of yourself, like to apply makeup, get your hair and nails done or even wear nice clothes? What do you like to eat most? I am now almost 560 lbs. and our next goal is 600 lbs. I am hoping I to gain mostly below the hips. By the way, I am only 158 cm! We have a housemaid from Mexico, she takes care of me when my husband is a work and she has prepared a huge meal. She prepared pancakes with lots of cream and than I need to sleep. I am sleeping after every meal and you? Do you have a daily routine too? Love, Carol


3) Dear Carol! My kisses to you and your nice husband! I see that he uses one of two possible ways of making life of a large wife more convinient, i.e. he works on enlarging of your opportunities to access all parts of your flat. We've chosen the other method, my husband have concentrated all I can need just around my bed, so i have almost no neccessity to leave it. TV, computer, video, bookshelf and some favorite food etc. are always near me. So I have no need in wheechair and can be as sedentary as I want. I think we use this method because I really like sedentary life. By the way, my bed is so low, that it looks more like a very thick mattrasse. It was made specially to allow me to get out of it and then in it aback easier. Is your bed high?

By the way, can you still sit down in the wheelchair and stand up from it by yourself? I think that you'd have always a helper to help you to get in when you are immobile (though I doubt you'll have often a want to do it!).


«I would like to be a baby 100% of the time». Same here! I have fully the same attitude. But I want to ask why you cant "be a baby" just 100 percent of the time? Doesnt your maid provide you with all neccessary for that?

I accepted my body positively and I was very plump since childhood, you? Before I met my future husband I was still independent physically and could do all to myself. But he explained me his concept of "fat baby wife" from the very beginning. Though of course it contradicted to some standards of "adult" physical shyness and independency in which I was up-brought, I was thrilled and agreed immediately. I think it corresponded fully to some my strongest desires, half-conscious, half-unconscious. If anyone would call me just a lazy baby, I'd add "sexy lazy baby", and it would be fully true! But to say the truth even in my inner dreams I couldnt imagine how nice it is really to be pampered as a baby by a loving man. When he's absent im helped by his sister cousin (we have no housemaid, she acts in reality as a one). Now I absolutely wouldnt be able to get without help, because at my body type I have reaching difficulties, and then Im just too heavy to move much. I still can walk but avoid it.


"Are you still taking care of yourself, like to apply makeup, get your hair and nails done or even wear nice clothes?" Yes and no. At morning i do nothing of which you say. My husband helps me with all things, he toilets me, bathes and washes me, dresses me and feeds me (Im sure that you are bathed and toileted by your husband too and that you like it, thats why i feel free to discuss it with you). Here i have no a possibilty to make all things you say, you see. But in afternoon while he's absent (and when he's present too) I do my makeup and my hair really, to be a "star" and to surprise him at our dinner. As for clothes, I still wear new ones, but they are nightgowns and lingerie. They are specially made of course. My husband likes to see me in them. But I cant dress myself in lingerie, without a help I can manage only with my nightgowns.

Lol, Im now just at the stage which you make your goal (near 600), so I can foretell you some things which you'll meet at this size (as we are of equal height). Im definitely pearshaped, and this causes some of that is called "reaching problems" and some other ones. But its a great pleasure for me to resolve these problems with my husband's help (and for him too), im sure same would be with you. Then, if your next 40 lbs would be really added below your hips, as you want, you'll have to make some modifications with bathing and toileting system I think. And may be, when you need to make several steps in your bedroom, you'd prefer not to get in and out your wheelchair and not to walk, but just to move on your fours. It can sound somehow strange maybe, but sometimes its just the easiest way!

"I am sleeping after every meal and you?" Nearly same here, after every really large meal. It would be nice to compare our "daily routines", just step by step, from morning to morning, I feel.

Hope for your answer, its nice to find a soulmate!

Love, Sandra.


4) Dear Sandra, actually my husband almost only toilets, bathes, washes, dresses and feeds me. We regularly eat tonight together, or better he feeds me. This normally goes on several hours until I fall asleep. He sleeps in another room, because I wake up several hours later, because I never sleep longer than two three hours in a row. Since I sleep during the day. But the maid leaves me food on the bed so I can eat by myself, which I hate. I prefer to be fed, because I have big arms and breasts. They are always in my way, therefore I would prefer to gain all 40 lbs. below the hips., because my big arms are in the way of applying make up and eating. I also have these reaching problems. Our maid helps me with everything personally. In the beginning I was actually embarrassed when my husband or maid started to toilet, bathe, wash, dress and feed me. But I simply needed the help and I was starting to be helpless without them. Since last summer I am totally over it, because then I needed to start wearing diapers, because I could not leave my bed quick enough or help myself otherwise. No for me it is normal that she changes me three four times a day that is what I meant by becoming a «sexy lazy baby» and I think after the next 40 lbs. I will be completely immobile. Even I could also still walk several steps, I am afraid. I am afraid to fall and break a leg or arm. I lived totally sedentary for several weeks now and than my husband had the idea with the wheelchair. I also prefer to be sedentary at my bed. Why is your bed low? I for example could not get up from a low bed. When I still walked, I would rise my bed up high and that slight out and back in. Another problem with walking and mowing is that I am quickly out of breath. My husband likes to tease me and enjoys when I move and breath heavy. He would put the food next to me so that I would have to move from one side to the other or use my big arms very much. He is cruel :- My maid is nicer, with her I don’t need to «work» for my food. I simply lay down and she feeds me until I fall asleep. This is heaven for me … How much immobility do you think is possible? Do you think total immobility is possible, where you don’t move at all?

«I am definitely pearshaped, and this causes some of that is called "reaching problems" and some other ones». What are your other problems? Not to walk, but just to move on your fours? Where are you walking too? I tried it and it was not comfortable, because of my big arms and really big breast, they bounced around. Yesterday my husband put a Black Forest cake, my favorite, to the other side of the room and I was so greedy to get it that I rushed on all fours to the cake. I was totally out of breath and sweating and he didn’t want to feed me and he had not spoon. So I was stuffing it into me with my hands and eating like a pig. It had so much chocolate, sugar and whip cream and so big that I almost fainted. Well I finally gave up but he would slowly feed me piece by piece and I simply can not stop eating when I smell food or food is put in my mouth. I really felt like a «pig», a pig baby, especially since I was drinking my most favorite drink. I was so full of sugar and food that I exploded of joy and felt like floating. I finally must have passed out to sleep just on the spot. Love, Carol


5) Dear Carol!

Were you very large all the time?

"Problem with walking and mowing is that I am quickly out of breath. My husband likes to tease me and enjoys when I move and breath heavy... He put the food to the other side of the room and I rushed of all fours to the cake...»



Are our couples just clones of each other?! My husband makes exactly same tricks. When he feeds me he sometimes just begins to move step by step, while I just crawl following him and he feeds me bite by bite with "one new bite for one new movement". Once I saw how sea lion was fed in the Zoo, it was very similar! I am so involved in the process of feeding that in such situations I literally lose control over myself and crawl in this way till I am fully out of strength. When I think about it I just feel it so that to give up to my own body in such a way, losing control over myself, is such a luxury of our fat lazy baby style!

When i've red your description it was as if you just make a report from my life and our games! All coincides, including fact he likes to call me "piggy"! He likes to make me move, temptating me in all possible ways, and to see how I gradually lose the control of myself, in feeding as well in other situations. For example, he likes to see how im eat and gradually begin to sleep, try not to sleep and still give uyp to it just in course of feeding process.

"Even I could also still walk several steps, I am afraid to fall and break a leg or arm". Thats exactly why I prefer now to move on my fours if neccessary. You ask, "Why is your bed low? I for example could not get up from a low bed. When I still walked, I would rise my bed up high and that slight out and back in". Thats just because I dont get up now. When I had used to stand up, getting out from from the bed, it was high too, by the same obvious reasons as yours one. But now when I need to move across my bedroom I just stand on my fours and go on my fours (my upper body and arms are not so big, so its a labour, but not so difficult as for you, see you. And my thighs and belly apron are very large already, and it creates such complications why walking, that again on my fours becomes more convenient). So you understand that if you move in this way, its easer to get out of your bed and then back in it, if it is as close to the floor level as possible. Thats why my bed is in fact a system of mattrasses settled just on floor. If i need to stand up on my feet, which I avoid, i have to do it in several "steps" leaning on one things and handling for another. Usually from my bed I climb the flat backless chair, arrange sitting on it, and then stand up from it.


"How much immobility do you think is possible? Do you think total immobility is possible, where you don’t move at all?"

I think that to avoid bedsores and to keep us healthy we have to roll or to be rolled from side to side and to change positions of our hands body and legs from time to time by ourselves or with help. All other is "free option". I think that Id be bedridden not in a very far future, then just this would be my situation as I've described now. I dont think that full immobility is or feels good. Its fine to be lazy by your own will, for me its pleasant just to loose ability to walk or even move on my fours, but I want to have possibility to move "head, body, fingers and toes" at any case when I want or need it. Btw, my husband sleeps in the same room as I. I use to sleep almost all the night, but I a usually awake in the middle of it to eat and to relieve myself. Then in a course of day I dream or sleep several times for a bit too. I too love to be fed just to the borded when I begin to sleep from the feeling of safety and satisfaction, its alike melting in my own body. It arouses him, he says that its a very temptative sighting to see how I gradually go sleeping in the course of feeding.



"I have "reaching problems" and some other ones. - What are your other problems?"


They are very intimate but I feel safe to discuss it with you, as you feel too thats it is not just only "problems", but a part of "sexy lazy fat baby style"... Every girl who has surpassed a certain size would need regularly a very intimate help and have very special difficulties. I accept it as a fun and thrill, because it expresses so brightly my size and my "lazy baby" style and my self-acceptance. So I don’t complain... these "problems" are for fun and amusement for us. First, walking with such belly and thighs as i have is utterly complicated. Being added just to such thing as my weight it makes me to avoid walking at all, as I mentioned. And moving on my fours is too complicated more and more, because my belly is too large, and when i move, i have to move my legs aright and aleft much more than just forward, which makes movement more difficult and slow, due to my thighs' dimensions too. My husband calls it "a waddling style of crawling".

Then, the only pose in which my husband can receive fully what he wants rather often is if i stand on my fours and he kneels behind. But Im tired to stand on my fours very soon. Another problem concerns my toileting. For me its an important part of my "body life" and "fat baby style" and i take it positively and I feel from your words that you have just the same attitude.

The problem is that my behind cheeks and my thighs are becoming so large that they just cant be spred from under me when i lie or sit, pressing on them with my weight from above and so pressing them additionally to each other. I used to have my toileting on the portable toilet, on which i sit and from which i get up with my husband or his sys help. But if one's thighs and ass-cheeks remain ajoining to each other, more and more tightly, even if she spreads her knees as much as possible, the usage of the toilet changes into a parody on itself... whats use of sitting on the toilet if my behind cheeks and thighs are still unspred and touching each other all the time? It means just to mess and wet myself as well as fully as if I’d go in my own panties. So I soon would need to change my pose and ways for toileting, and I cant for now understand how it would be better to do.


"I also have these reaching problems". What are yours? My are the simplest, for now I can reach upper part of my pubic mound, but not further - so i cant neither to wipe myself nor to underwash myself... May be the reason is not only that my belly and thigh dimensions are very large, but my sides, hips, lovehandles are huge too, then, may be i have just rather short arms, and this fact, adding to it these "wings" under upper arms, makes it even more difficult for me to touch my own beneath. I like to accept it positively, as it emphasizes my size and my fat-sexy-babyishness, which can be quite arousing for me myself. Dont you feel yourself in this way sometimes?


"In the beginning I was actually embarrassed when my husband or maid started to toilet, bathe, wash, dress and feed me. But I simply needed the help and I was starting to be helpless without them".

Oh, I felt partly the same! But from the very beginning, i feel I must confess to you, that I felt some arousement in this situations too, not only embarrassement. While he bathes and toilets me I feel myself his baby or his "baby queen" as he calls it, and the fact he sees me in such intimate situations and helps me with them, and admires my body and me myself in these moments too, and is aroused by them himself (not feels it just a dull or unpleasant duty, not at all, he likes to pamper me so intimately very much) can be really thrilling for me. It expresses utter intimacy of our relationship, and his love and care for me, and his so full acceptance of my body. It feels hot... When he bathes and toilets me I feel myself sexy... I feel almost nothing of this kind while im helped by his sys, its as if she was a nurse in hospital. May be its only slightly pleasant to feel myself a large pampered baby with her too. But not any comparison with what i feel when my husband pampers me in these situation. I am sure your husband has the same attitude to you and your body and its needs, really? It can be so nice to feel yourself so fat and helpless baby princess, overpampered and overspoiled.


"Since last summer I am totally over it, because than I needed to start wearing diapers, because I could not leave my

bed quick enough or help myself otherwise".

Oh, so you too found it more and more difficult to hold your urgent needs for long or just for considerable time? My husband uses to say that fat princesses are too tender to hold it too long, and their bodies deserve not to be compelled to do it at all. He likes to spoil me when its possible in all ways, and I like to feel myself to be so overspoiled too. I must confess I had had several accidents because I couldn’t hold it for long . So now I try not to wait with accomplishment of my needs, but to use help with it from the very beginning. For now I use diapers only rarely and only in some nights or when its neccessary for me to stay dressed and not being helped with toileting for several hours (when the guests come for large part of the day).


"Now for me it is normal that she changes me three four times a day". So you dont use toilet at all now and just do it whenever you want? Lucky you. You avoid so much problems with it... Where you find diapers of neccessary dimensions? Then, sorry for such a personal question... How you manage to do it so rarely??? I have "calls of nature" (counting both kinds of them, as you understand, as Im changed or helped wth toilet each time as I have one or another) normally over twice more often, and I've used to think its quite usual


Now once again about «sexy lazy baby» style. I want to put to your attention one thought. With little babies its quite usual that the babies themselves and those who love them accept with pleasure all in the babies' bodies and how their bodies live and "work" properly. The life of baby consists mainly of the very simple tasks, eating, sleeping, relieving themselves, being nursed and bathed, and all of it is taken fully positively, without any "shames", indiscrete feelings or embarrassements. But babies are out of any sexual matters. Adults are involved in them, and feel each other and themselves sexy, but they lose this integral acceptance of their bodies, they have "hidden sides" and taboos for some their bodily activities, functions and needs. But a ssbbw who is "fat sexy baby" has a great privilege to combine all advantages of both body images and approaches, thats why its so nice to feel yourself a one. What could be felt rather weird with a usual "adult thin girl", is OK and feels just as most tender intimacy, sexy, amusement and arousement with us "fat sexy babies". Love, Sandra