chapter 1

I wasn't always like this. I used to be fit. I used to be thin. I used to have my life under control. I wasn't always what I am now.
Not that I was always thin. I wasn't skinny as a child. I was a chubby little girl with pale skin and ginger hair, an out of shape kid with a round gut and a wobbling second chin. I loathed any form of exercise and spent my time on my fat bottom, my eyes glued to some shiny screen or other. I loved nothing quite so much as stuffing my face with cookies and candy. I loved food. I loved to eat. I loved how bloated my tummy would get when I packed it full of fatty foods.
Though the idea of obesity was strangely enticing to me I wasn't happy with my body. Other kids made fun of me. Even my friends joked about my body. They would tease me and make up stupid nicknames. Instead of Penelope they called me Porky Penny.
I was a naïve and insecure girl. I wanted people to like me, so I played along. I pretended that their jokes didn't hurt me, that they didn't cut me to the very core of my being. I lived my life as a walking fat joke.
My friends weren't the only ones who disapproved of my weight. My mom had never liked fat people. She was a fit woman who'd never found it hard to keep in shape. To her fat was a sign of weakness, of laziness, and of a lack of character. She tried her best to love and support me. But I could tell that she was disappointed in me and my fat body.
She would criticise me and comment on my weight. She veiled her harsh words in a cloak of kindness and motherly concern. But her message got through loud and clear. I wasn't good enough; I wasn't thin enough or fit enough. My body was unacceptable.
In the end it was just too much. Years of jokes, insults, and veiled criticisms had eroded any love I'd ever had for my body. Once I hit fifth grade I'd made up my mind; I was either gonna lose the weight or die trying.
It was hell at first. Harder than anything I'd ever done. Years of gluttony and sedentary living had left my body hopelessly unsuited to any form of exercise. There where many times when I wanted to give up. To just give into my appetite and gorge myself on all the candy I could find. But with my mom there to help me I managed to push through. Slowly the pounds started to melt off my figure. By the time I reached high school I was, for the first time in my life, finally thin.