Chapter 1 - the first stage

It's been over 6 months now since I've decided to delve into Intuitive Eating. There's many aspects to it, but the initial stages: eat what and when you went, no diets, remove the diet mindset, and let your body re-feed. What a concept to me, to never, and I promise never, to diet again. As a body positive enthusiast, this is the next step in my journey. I have deleted all signs of diets, fitness, and "thinspiration" from my social media. I have now substituted plus size, gorgeous models of all sizes and other HAES and body positive influencers. I have removed all things with "diet" or "fat free" on the label, and I have bought whole milk and real sugar and regular pasta. I have donated all clothes too small or ill-fitting. I have stopped punitive exercise and switched to joyful movement.

And what else have I done? I'm sure you're not surprised. I have gained weight. A lot of it. The exact number, I'm not sure, as that is also a part of this new journey, ditching the scale. So I know I was around 215lbs, and now?

Now, when I walk, my steps have turned into a slight waddle. I can see it in the shadows as I walk along the sidewalk. My breaths quickly become short as I go up the stairs. When I run, my breasts bounce pleading for a more supportive bra.

When I look in the mirror, I see a double chin that never goes away, no matter what angle I hold out my head. My eyes are just a bit squintier and the outline of my face has become rounder. There's a slight crease forming where my neck meets my shoulders, and my arms have become wider, leaving me with no winter jacket that can fit this season. My baggy shirts and sweaters are now too snug, and my belly has creased and folded, and refuses to be held in by leggings and high waisted jeans. The outline of my stomach always present, and trying to push my underwear down underneath it. My stomach now sits on the tops of my thighs, I know because this crease has become a useful spot to tuck things under, like a pen I don't want to roll away. My thighs were never shy of bumps, but now large dimples ripple the backs of my legs where my thighs now touch, all the way down to my knees. They constantly rub now and the friction is noisy and deafening when in public. The tops of my socks dig into my ankles, leaving angry indentations that take overnight to erase. My upper arms never separate from my side even when lifting them above my head. Deep rolls have formed along my back, ever present, not just when I twist.

There are the changes I didn't expect. Like how I have to spread my butt cheeks when I sit on the toilet. Now, I place a healthy layer of deodorant under not only my breasts, but under my belly now too. Seat belts now feel claustrophobic, and there have been too many times to count that I have had to wait for the car beside me to leave before I can get into my seat. The chairs at work have arm rests that dig in, and I always make a fake cough when I sit, to mask the creaks the seats may when I sit upon them. The most embarrassing moment has been breaking my friends new chair, cracking a piece of wood as I tried to shimmy into its cozy cushions.

I used to pride myself on my hourglass shape, ample breasts and butt. I loved how my stomach was soft yet never surpassed the outline of breasts. But that is no longer. Now my stomach oozes out from under my breasts and rests upon my legs, which ooze over the sides and ends of chairs. Furniture and floor boards creak under my weight. My side of the bed has had an indentation permanently left where the springs could no longer return to their shape.

I'm scared. These changes are happening and I see no end in sight. How much have I gained? Has it been 50 lbs? This is definitely the largest I have ever been. I do not recognize myself.

So this is me, getting to know me.