No Self Control

Chapter 1 early relationship

My name is Julie Smith, or, that is the name I shall use here anyway. All other names in this document are falsehoods as well, in order to maintain privacy. Now, on to more substantial matters.

Regardless of what has become of my weight I look good, and I know it. I have alluring green eyes, flawless alabaster skin, and a slender, petite build to make for a tall, thin figure. Well, I had all that anyway. I stayed close to a hundred pounds at 5’10” until Franklin, an old family friend, set me up on a date with Phillip Moore.

That was when things began to change for me. Philip was one of the few people wealthier than most members of my family. Well, wealthier than we claimed to be anyway. You see, my family has encountered financial difficulties. International concerns have destroyed our investments entirely. Thankfully we each own a home that has been paid off entirely, and my father has managed to hide our sudden poverty through a series of loans and clever tricks, these will only last a couple more years. But they buy us time, during which my father intends to pull everything together again. In all honestly though, I fear he is grasping at straws. This is why all of our family’s hopes are resting on each and every member’s ability to connect us with funds before the façade fades. Which brings me back to Philip, I was told that I would never have to worry about money till the day I die if I married him, and even better, that it may save our family from poverty.


So my meeting with Philip was practically going to be akin to one of those old world arranged marriages it seems. A seemingly wealthy family’s daughter marries an actually wealthy family’s son to ensure that their descendants continue to have silver spoons in their mouths for another generation. What I didn’t know was that he wanted to put a spoon into my mouth as well, and to do so many, many times.


We met in a very proper soiree. I wore a red, dress that elegantly accentuated my curves without being too revealing. I was nervous Though, very nervous. I have always been taught it was uncouth to eat more than a couple of party favors. Yet, I am a nervous eater, and, despite mother’s best efforts, it is a habit that I could never suppress effectively. In fact, the harder I try not to eat when nervous, the more I stuff my face. So, I ended up having four crackers with cranberries and brie. Then I had five, then six, then. . . Eventually I lost count of how many I’d eaten. Then I did that again, and again, until I lost count of how many different appetizers I’d lost count of eating.


During the event I don’t think I did anything but eat. I don’t even remember what this event was for, only that there was Philip, then there was panic, then there was food. Delicious food , here to take my mind off of my family and our monetary woes, which makes me think of Philip, thus making me panic, which turned me back to food for comfort. This cycle repeated until it was time to leave.


Yet, when it was all over Philip spoke to me, all I could think of was how badly I must have looked, I never said a word beyond “Why yes another tart sounds delightful, thank you.” And several similar statements over the course of the evening. What am I doing? I am supposed to be hobnobbing with wealthy partygoers to make connections and save my family, not preparing to hibernate for the winter.


So, when Philip spoke with me outside after the party I was expecting the man to chew me out and leave. But what I got was him saying “Thank you for a delightful evening miss Smith.” And a kiss on the back of my hand. “Well, if anyone deserves credit it’s the hosts. They put on a fine party.” I then noticed the look of pure adoration. On Phillip’s face and realized something. He meant it. He must be absolutely smitten with me to like what I just did. It’s probably just my appearance. He must like red heads or something. Actually, that is fantastic news! I’ll gladly accept victory from sheer luck. Unless, of course he’s just being polite. But, he really does like me it seems. As the next words out of his mouth were, “I would be overjoyed to see you again soon. There is a beautiful little Italian restaurant near my home. I would love to see you there this weekend. It is, of course, your choice whether you would like to come or not.” Well, it wasn’t his choice anyway. I owed it to my family to at least try. “That sounds delightful,” I said and held out my hand, which he took and kissed before saying, “Then I shall keep you in my mind and memory until we meet again.” Before he left.


I went to my next date in much the same mindset. I had worn my favorite white dress, one that was elegant and classy, yet showed off my features flawlessly. I have to look good today after all. I feel terribly guilty about it, but in all honesty the only thing I could think of was how badly I needed to impress Philip, despite this, all I could bring myself to do was eat. I had ordered a simple plate of chicken and pasta, not noticing that it came with a side of chicken and dumpling soup. Then, when I took a bite, it all tasted fantastic, like I would have to starve myself for a week to make up for the calories of having this meal. Even worse, not only did I eat all of the bread brought out as an appetizer, but I cleaned my plate like a starving man. I did everything but lick the dish clean to eat all I could. Only halfway through my soup did I even realize that the waiter had brought us more bread. Which I immediately swallowed well. Then my date asked the waiter to being us two orders of the finest dessert the restaurant had. Normally I like it when men order dessert for the table like that. It means I can have some without feeling bad, asking for more. But now it only made me worried that the date would drag on longer than expected. Which of course made me eat more. I only found out that Philip went by Phil in private because he mentioned it while the waiter got our desserts. In end Phil invited me to another dinner.

Phil keeps taking me out to places with excellent food and buying me anything I want. It is very kind and all but I’m gaining weight, and quickly too. In just two months I have gone from a hundred and four pounds to one hundred and ten, and that’s while I try to diet whenever I’m not on a date.

Last night we had Italian again. Phil wanted to compare a new restaurant to his old favorite, which he look me to on our first date. So, I got something comparable. Pasta with chicken parm. Phil got an appetizer first. He said the appetizer was meant to be split, but he only ate one of the mozzarella sticks out of a serving of twelve.

After that came the meal proper. It was truly delectable. Only when I had finished my entire plate did I notice Phil. He had eaten about a third of his food at that point, then he did something that was at once kind and terrifying. Phil slid his plate across the table to me, saying “Here, I’m too full to have another bite. But you seem truly ravenous tonight, why not have the rest of mine?” My mind was spinning. I had already eaten far more than Phil, if I accept more now I will look like an absolute glutton. He’ll worry that I will be the size of a house by year’s end and call off all future dates, then my family fortune will collapse. Suddenly I notice my plate is empty. The one Phil had passed to me. Then I look up to see Phil looking at me with an oddly triumphant grin. Did he do this as a test? Did I fail and ruin everything? Dear God that makes me want to swallow something. No, that stupid reflex is what got me in this mess, I’m not giving in to that again.


Then the waiter returned and, Phil ordered a slice of almond cake for dessert. Then he asked me if I wanted dessert as well. When I said “No” Phil got the entire cake to go, and ate one slice, leaving the rest with me. The waiter and Phil then put the cake into my car. He then got into his own and left. I was on autopilot the entire time. My entire mind was consumed by the sight of that gigantic cake, as I looked at it I let out a low, slow whistle and said “Well, I suppose it is time to go.” And got into my car to go home.


When I had pulled into the garage I looked at the cake again. This thing truly was gargantuan. It could be a wedding cake as long as the guest list wasn’t huge. “I’ll have to ask the help for assistance in taking this monstrosity inside.” I said before it hit me. The house is running on a skeleton crew, father had dismissed the vast majority of our staff in order to cut costs. So, I open the car door and look at the cake, murmuring “How on earth did they even get this to fit this in here?” I then sighed and tried my best to lift the cake from the bottom, very nearly toppling it over onto the next seat in the process. Then I had an Idea and ran inside the house, grabbing a fork and returning to my car. As I went I mumbled “Well, I know one way to make this monster smaller.”


I removed a sliver of cake from one end and said “Well, at least it’s good. I just have to eat around the edges enough to remove the monster from my car.” Then I popped a fork full of cake into my mouth. The sweetness of the cake and the taste of almonds danced across my tongue, eclipsing every other thought that sought to enter my mind. Yet, whenever I swallowed the dark thoughts returned, only to be buried in cake again, then return again, like an outcropping of rock on the shore, covered and uncovered by the waves whenever the tides changed.


Hours later I think I’ve eaten enough cake that the main body may fit out the car door. Then I realized something. I could have simply brought out plates, diced up the cake in the car, and brought It inside piece by piece. I don’t swear often, but I did loudly groan a word starting with an F as I began to weep. I could feel my swollen stomach wobble with each breath I took. I couldn’t bring myself to move from the spot, falling back onto the side of the car and sliding to the door where I was, thinking. I’m a pig. Of course eating was the only solution I’d considered, I can’t do anything but stuff my fat face anyway. Eventually I finished crying, but still felt miserable. So, despite the pain in my stomach, I take another bite of cake, letting the sweetness bury my sorrow once again.


Eventually I fell asleep in my car with my face buried in cake and a stomach so full that unconsciousness was the only way to escape the pain. I had a dream about swimming around gobbling up Swedish fish and various candy versions of sea creatures in the ocean. That miserable feeling that had reduced me to tears in the waking world has followed me here. But the solution was the same, and that feeling subsided for a moment whenever I swallowed . So, I ate. I ate and ate and ate. Nothing could stop me from eating. Not the Swedish fish who ended up in my belly, not the jellyfish, or the candy fish. Even a marshmallow whale joined them all inside my swelling stomach. My gut grew with each bite until the dream ended when my bulging belly burst. I snapped awake in the back in my car with my face buried in cake like I’d fallen asleep face down on my pillow. I wiped the cake off of my face and grabbed the body of the thing, tearing it out of my car and scattering frosting throughout the vehicle. I’ll have to take it to get cleaned. I managed to get most of it into the house. Then I opened the fridge, there was enough room for most of the cake, but not the whole thing. The. I groaned “Forget it.” In frustration “I’ll handle it after a shower,” before trudging to the bathroom to wash up.


As I wash off bits of cake I can’t help but stare at my swollen gut. “I must have gained ten pounds from all that.” I said as I showered. God I ate a lot, and the worst part is that it makes me want to eat more. No, I shake my head as I think. That’s a downward spiral I’ve managed to avoid so far, I’m not diving into it today. Though I was tempted to eat some, even as I washed cake off of myself. Worst of all was when I had to wash my stomach. It was normally flat and sleek, but now it protruded, a reminder of how much I had eaten.

Once I’d dried off I saw my phone awaiting me, I had a single message, from Phil of course. The moment my hands were dry enough to touch the thing without frying it I read the text.

Phil: Hello my darling Julie, I know that our most recent date was only last night, but I cannot wait long, I have something I need to tell you in person. I shall see you as soon as you so desire.

“What?” I say to myself as I towel off. What on earth did he mean by that. It’s too soon for him to propose to me, “Is he dumping me?” my mind was nothing but panic as I dressed. After Dressing I paced around the house, thinking about how I’d better be wrong about my dad having no idea how to save us, since I am going to be unable to help. I bet Phil is dumping me, it’s all because I can’t even stop eating long enough to hold a conversation.” I felt like my heart was on fire. Then it hit me, I saw the remaining cake on my counter top. I walk toward the cake, talking to myself, “Well, it won’t all fit in the fridge. I mean, why waste so much good cake. Very good cake, excellent cake from my wealthy boyfriend, my boyfriend who is about to dump me and leave me a pauper reduced to begging since I have no marketable skills.” I could feel a tear going down my cheek, but, I knew how to make it stop. So I grabbed a fork and began to eat. I was on autopilot so hard that I didn’t even notice what I was doing. I neither tried to stop, nor ate intentionally. I simply relaxed and let my body act naturally. It seems my natural instinct is to eat as much as physically possible.


I ate the entire cake. Not on that same day, but before my date with Phil came around. I refused to set foot on the scale, as dread filled my mind concerning what it may say. When the date finely came along I wore a purple dress. I couldn’t look in the mirror without thinking I look like a plum with how round my stomach is. But, the dress was a gift given to me by someone who accidentally got the dress a size too large at the time. So it was my only dress that fit well now. I looked in the mirror to psych myself up enough to go. But worries flooded my mind as I looked, despite them I said “It’s just one size . It probably isn’t even fat. It’s just water weight, or maybe my stomach is still swollen from when I finished that almond cake. God, Phil is going to be disappointed in me if he finds out that I’ve already finished that gargantuan thing he gave me. Dear God is my attempt to psych myself up is going badly.


Phil came to my home to pick me up this time, so, I had more time to talk with him before the flood of food distracted my mouth and mind. Phil looked at me up and down as I got into the car, then he said “You look ravishing as always my dear. I swear you grow more beautiful by the day.” All I could think was that the sentence is accurate if you just remove the word ‘beautiful.’ But, it is doubtless meant as a simple greeting combined with pleasantries. So I won’t take it too seriously. Instead I ask “So, what did you have to tell me in person so badly?” he’s blushing, clearly Phil is embarrassed, or maybe expecting a strong reaction from me. Eventually he spoke, saying “Actually, I think it’s better if I wait until after we eat.” And then he pulled into a driveway that I was unfamiliar with. Phil clearly saw the confusion on my face and answered “My favorite Chinese food place is here. Do you like Chinese?” I nodded and said “I absolutely adore Chinese food.” And that was not a lie, I really do love Chinese food.


We went in and were seated without issue. As I looked around I thought to myself, this place seems a good deal cheaper than where Phil normally takes me. Phil must have correctly assessed my thought process. As he said “Yes, I understand, this restaurant is not the height of luxury, but a friend recommended it to me years ago and their food is absolutely fantastic. The lotus root beef is my personal favorite.” At this point a waiter came to take our orders and Phil got, unsurprisingly, the lotus root beef. I asked for an order of spring rolls. Phil smiled and said “You know that’s only a side, right?” and I nodded, answering “Yes, I’m trying to watch my weight after-“ and I fell silent mid sentence as I saw Phil’s smile fade almost instantly. He quickly changed the subject to something else and w3 made polite conversation for a time.


As Phil spoke my mind spun, why did he suddenly seek so sad? Did I say something wrong? Was he hoping for a specific answer? Am I going to blow everything and end up on the streets now?” My thoughts continued down this path as panic buried my mind, continuing until the waiter returned with out orders. He set down a truly gargantuan platter of beef with noodles, with veggies and lotus root, which can be easily identified by the countless holes going through thinly sliced roots. But my attention was mainly focused on the amount of food, it looked like enough to feed a family of five. Because that is exactly what it is meant for I imagine. I say “This restaurant serves food in family sized portions, doesn’t it?” Phil smiled at me and said “Yes, as do most traditional Chinese restaurants, I’d assumed you knew that when you told me how much you loved Chinese food. I am sorry if I accidentally mislead you,” he then began to slide the heaping plate of food he had made to me, saying “Would you like some? It is my favorite for a reason, the Lotus root beef here is truly fantastic.” I wanted to say no, it is so much food. But Phil seemed absolutely devastated when I didn’t order a full meal earlier. I’ve got to make him happy with me. If I don’t then my family will suffer in poverty and it will all be my fault. The dread sinks in again and I start to eat to snuff out the pain.

The dish Phil had recommended truly was fantastic. I cannot recall eating anything better, or more plentiful in my life. I even forgot about my spring rolls it was so good. I just let the taste carry me away as Phil said something I can’t quite recall. My mind was completely focused on eating. The next thing I recall is an empty plate. Based on how my stomach felt it was not my first plate either. The good news is that Phil’s face was pure joy when I saw it.


After we had both finished eating Phil said something life changing. He said it quickly, and almost absentmindedly, like it was almost nothing at all. “So, the reason I brought you here was simple, I wanted to ask you a question. Would you like to move in with me? And don’t worry. I mean in separate beds."