Should I Trust a Chubby Chef?

Chapter 1 starting with a burger

I’m the girl in that picture. No, not that one, that’s Kelly with Frank in the foreground. I’m the one behind them. My name is Laura, and I’ve wasted my life until now. How? I’ve had a crush on Frank since I was in frigging elementary school. There has not been a single day when I haven’t thought about him. Not one. But he was never openly interested in anybody in high school, and I was starting to fear that he may be gay or asexual by senior year, when basically every girl in our class had a crush on him, but he never once wanted to date any of us. He even shot down Stacy before prom, and she was the living embodiment of beauty. Tall, skinny, a beautiful face, with skin, hair, and eyes to match. But Frank showed absolutely zero interest in her. She had all the guys drooling over her, all but Frank anyway. Then, when I got to college at CSUSB, I saw him on day one. With Kelly. Kelly with a belly. The fat girl who went to half of the same classes as me in high school. The walking ball of lard who’s weirdly giant gut inspired half of the girls our age to go on diets. That Kelly.

I showed up for class early on day one, figured I’d scope out the place and get a nice seat, they were the only two who beat me there. Frank and Kelly were sitting in second to back row of the class, and were making out. It was obvious that they thought they were alone, given how clearly their tongues were in each other’s throats. I felt my heart stop with shock as I quietly crept up closer to hear them talking. They sounded like a couple from a rom com, and I felt bile rising from my stomach as she spoke to him, “Oh Frank,” god, she really did sound like a bad actress, “I can’t believe how happy I am now.” Of course she was happy. Then fata** had somehow managed to bag the guy of every girl’s dreams. She continued, “You know, I’ve spent every day in class fantasizing that you’d notice me, but too afraid to say anything. But it was pointless to even try, I mean, you even shot down Stacy, and she was the most popular girl in school. I think every girl in our class was jealous of how pretty she was. So, I never thought I had a chance, I mean, I wasn’t a cheerleader, hell, I was the nerdy girl who wanted to be a chef.” She was right. Kelly never impressed anyone, I don’t think she got a single compliment in senior year, outside the day that she brought muffins to class for everybody.

Then, with all of the grace of a drunken hippo, Kelly asked him, “By the way, what made you say yes to me anyway?” for Frank to say something that made my jaw drop, “There were only two girls I was attracted to in the whole school, you and Clara, and every time you spoke it made me think that you were the better choice. So, when I ran into you before class, I figured it was fate and asked.” HER AND CLARA?!?! Clara was a freaking whale. She even made Kelly look pretty by comparison. No, she made Kelly look skinny. Clara at least had nice skin and facial features. But wait, he shot down Stacy without a second thought, but he liked them? Why?

They never did notice me either. Frank and Kelly continued to live out cheesy romance tropes and only had eyes for each other. So, I sat down behind them, and spent the entire class, just watching the two of them for any hint of why Frank would actually like her. I hardly paid any attention to the professor. It was day one anyway, so the prof. was just laying down ground rules and obvious crud.

Nothing happened through the entire class, and I had nothing to do after anyway, so I trailed the two across campus, being as sneaky as I could, which was apparently enough, since neither noticed me as we went to the campus quad, where they cut between two random shops to make out, again. God, it made me sick just how into each other the two were. But as they kissed, I noticed one thing that felt odd. He didn’t grab her butt or her chest, like ninety nine percent of guys would have the moment they thought they could get away with it. But he did do something. Frank put a hand on the belly she was known for, and then moved his hand along her side and back to hug her more. Continuing her drunken hippo levels of poise and elegance, Kelly said “I know, I need to lose weight. But this belly fat just won’t g-“ Frank cut her off with a kiss, then said something that explained everything. He said, “Don’t be. I love you, the world could only be better for having more of you in it. Hell, I wouldn’t even have a problem if you got bigger.” BIGGER?!?! I’d say she was the biggest whale I’d ever met, except no, that would be Clara, the other girl he’d liked. Wait, that’s it. Frank only likes fat girls, it explains everything. Why he refused my advances, and even Stacy’s, why he’d had a crush on Kelly of all people. Fat. He likes fat.

Now, in hindsight, this was more than a little crazy, but I knew what I had to do at that moment. I’d put on weight, yeah, that would destroy my chances with anybody else. But I didn’t WANT anybody else, and apparently the one guy I did want was a chubby chaser. So, he had eyes for Kelly and Clara for their fat? Well, I’ll make them look anorexic. So, as the momentary lovebirds finally left, I decided I’d hop into the building they were making out behind.

The building was named The Pie Hole, a place obviously named for a stupid joke. They sold pies of every kind. Sweets like apple and pumpkin, savory things like shepherd’s pie, even weird stuff like the secret mixed recipe blend, that tasted weirdly savory, despite being largely chocolate based on the scent. But all the pies had one thing in common. I had avoided them like the plague, to stay skinny, so maybe Frank would like me. God I was stupid. So, when a guy stepped out of the back to greet me, I didn’t even think about how weird it was to say, “Give me the most fattening thing you’ve got, I need to put on weight.” The guy laughed and said, “First time I’ve heard a girl say that.” As he ducked behind the counter, still obviously amused. He pulled out a slice of pie that smelled like spices and chocolate as he said, “Here, the most calories we’ve got in a serving is the secret recipe. It’s a Mexican chocolate that’s savory and spicy, with just a tiny hint of sweetness, which we then add a ton of sugar to until It’s unrecognizable and trying to be both kinds of chocolate at once. But it still tastes great anyway. Somehow.” I handed him my credit card, that a, totally not predatory, man sold me on when I was signing up for classes at the front office. As he took my card I decided to act on impulse, and said, “Ring me up for three actually.” As I smiled.

As I was sitting at the table, eating pie with a plastic fork, The guy asked me, “So, what do you think?” I answered him, “Well, I honestly didn’t want to like it, since it sounds phony as hell, but it’s pretty damned good.” The man nodded and smiled at me, saying “I know right? I had the exact same thought. I’m Charlie by the way.” I nodded my head and said “Hey Charlie, I’m Laura.” Charlie then asked me, “So, are you like, a wrestler or something? That’s the only reason I’ve seen anyone put on weight intentionally.” I shook my head and decided I didn’t want to tell him, so, I made up the first thing I could think of, saying, “I, uumm, I want to be a chef, I love cooking, and you know that old saying, never trust a skinny chef.” I then laughed, but the laugh felt so obviously fake that I was silently kicking myself about it for the rest of the day. I knew that I didn’t fool him at all, but he seemed happy to move on. So, I decided to swallow that feeling along with my pie, and flashed Charlie a quick smile, then took another bite. Charlie had a look of pleased surprise and said “Oh! You want to be a cook. Then I’ll probably see you at Sprout’s cooking class in an hour. My dad’s a baker, and I’ve always wanted to follow in his footsteps.” I smiled and said “Yeah, I’ll see you then.” Silently cursing myself for not being a better liar. Charlie said “That’s great! Now I know two people who I’ll see there.” I asked him “Oh? Who’s the other one?” he replied “Kelly.” Which aggravated me to no end, Charlie must have noticed the look ok my face, because he said, “Oh, sorry if you two have some bad blood. I just saw her and some guy come in to get a breakfast this morning,” and he dropped the topic mid-stream, cringing as I ground my teeth. I took a deep breath to calm myself, and said “Don’t worry. You didn’t do anything wrong. She’s why I’m eating these.” I said as I tapped my last piece of pie with my fork. Then I decided there was one way to say this without sounding awful, so I said that, “I just shared an English class with them. The guy is named Frank, and he,” I took a deep breath, before saying, “He was my high school crush. I was just taken aback when I saw him with a new girl on his arm. I guess I waited too long to take a shot, so, yeah, it sucks. I don’t hate her. Like, I don’t love her either. It just hurts.” Which was the nicest way to be kinda, sorta, accurate. Charlie whistled and said “I’m sorry to hear that.” Then said, “I’d give you the pie on the house, but you already paid.” I shook my head and thought of my plan. My stomach hurt from being overly full already anyway, but I still said, “If you’re still handing out free pie. I could go for one more slice I think.” Charlie started getting me a slice and muttered something inaudible as he did.

We chat while I ate my third slice. Every bite hurt a bit more than the last. So, by the time Charlie got my slice, I groaned, “Sorry Charlie. Guess my eyes were bigger than my stomach. If it’s okay to do it you can put it back. If not, I’ll have to take it to go. Charlie nodded and said “Okay, I’ll wrap it up for you.” Then, as Charlie did that, I forced myself to finish what had become my slice of cake, then walked out with one to go. Charlie waved and said “See you in class Laura!”

As I walked off and heard Charlie say goodbye I responded, “See you there!” and stepped outside, thinking f*** I’m not actually in that class. Then again, maybe I should sign up for that now. It would be a good chance to spy on Kelly, and if he meets up with her, then it’s another chance to see Frank too. Besides, if I’m actually trying to put on some weight, being surrounded by tasty food and learning to make it while befriending those who do the same could help. Plus, I could keep an eye on them. Maybe even play matchmaker and push Kelly and Charlie together. That would free up Frank for me, and without being the b**** who left Kelly alone. I took out my smartphone to see if the class had any open seats to take.

So, I was happy to find the class still had an opening to take last minute. Then, when I showed up, As I walked through the door with a plaque that read “Johana Sprout, culinary 101” the first two people I recognized were talking to one another. I saw some faces from earlier that day, “Hey Charlie, hey Kelly,” I said, giving my best friendly wave as I walked up to them. Charlie looked excited as he waved back, but Kelly seemed more confused than anything, saying, “Laura?” in surprise. I tried to play it off and nodded, saying, “Long time no see Kelly.” She smiled and replied, “I didn’t even think you knew my name,” it wasn’t the best way to say hi, but I’m not too surprised. I’d only spoken to Kelly three or four times over the course of our four years in high school. If my life was a movie, she’d have a name like “Student four,” in the credits. So I waved and said, I know we weren’t close, but it’s nice to see a face I recognize,” then I nodded my head toward Charlie, saying “and I met Charlie earlier today. So, I am psyched to start a cooking class! It was my favorite part of home ec, easy.” That was technically true, but only because I hated everything else in that class even more than I hated cooking. Kelly perked up a bit and smiled, saying “I agree, it is nice to see you too Laura.” I just smiled in response. As we chat about inconsequential things I thought about how this felt like I was a spy undercover or something. Then I thought, hell, didn’t I tell Charlie I spoke with Kelly already today? No, I think I said I saw her, but that implies meeting, unless it’s in a ‘I saw Frank across the street earlier, so I know he was here,’ kind of statement. Suddenly a quote I heard once came back to my mind. If you’re honest you don’t really have to remember much. He had a good point. A liar can’t let themselves forget. So I resolved to hold onto every little thing I said from now on. Or, as close as I could anyway.

Then class began, as Professor Sprout came into the room, saying “Hello everyone,” in a voice that dripped with sugar and cream, “and welcome to culinary arts 101, in this class we will focus on the basics of cooking, also, Feel free to call me Johana, or even Jo, Just don’t call me late for lunch,” she giggled slightly and said, “In all seriousness, time management is vital in cooking. But don’t worry about names and titles. I’m not the type to demand propriety, so call me whatever works for you.” I liked this professor quite a bit, and a quick glance to the side with two happy faces told me that Kelly and Charlie did as well.

The class was largely getting to know the professor and laying out ground rules. Seems like that’s everything on day one. By the time it was over, the three of us stepped out together to run into Frank. I said “Hi Frank!” in the friendliest voice I could muster. He replied, “Hey,” then paused before saying my name like it was a question, “Laura?” It hurt that he didn’t remember me better. But I chose to laugh it off, and said, “So, I am starving, and I could totally go for a burger. I think I saw a place selling them in the quad, want to check em’ out together?” then I looked at Charlie and said, “Unless pie is better.” With a smirk. Charlie laughed and said, “Oh God no. I keep work at work,” as he looked between us, saying, “Don’t get me wrong, The Pie Hole is good and all, but I am sick of how that place smells, and I just started working there.” He looked at me and smiled, as he said, “Burgers sound great.” Kelly chuckled and said, “Sounds good to me.” We ordered and sat down without issue. I shouldn’t be surprised to see it, but Frank and Kelly were chatting the entire time we waited, he even paid for her food. But, paying for my own meal meant that it would be a surprise when they saw what I’d gotten. The guy working the burger stand offered me fries either on side, or with the burger. I asked for both. Still, I felt sick watching Frank with another woman. I shouldn’t be surprised to see it, but Frank and Kelly were chatting the entire time we waited, he even paid for her food. But, paying for my own meant that it would be a surprise when they saw what I’d gotten. The guy working the burger stand offered me fries either on side, or with the burger. I asked for both.

Nobody said anything about it, but all I could think of was just how happy Frank must be to see his girlfriend and another pretty girl stuffing themselves silly. But I’ll have more than her. I’ll make him wish he was with me. I had ordered after the two of them, so I got the exact same thing as Kelly, but with double the fries. The table we sat at had four seats, two on either side. As their first non lovey dovey act, Kelly and Frank didn’t sit together. Instead, we ended up having boys on one side of the table, and girls on the other. So, I figured I would do something to draw Frank’s eye while looking, maybe it would be obvious to him but not to her. This may scream “Look at me, I’m what you want!” with a freaking megaphone, but it’s in a language she doesn’t know.

So, I laid out my food in front of me, and l turned to face Kelly, saying, “Hey, wanna have a race? I bet I can eat my food faster than you.” She started fidgeting with her fingers, and stalling for time to find an excuse. Frank just grinned, but Charlie surprised me and spoke up, smiling as he said “That’s a great idea. We already know the two of you can make food, but is that all you can do?” before laughing and taking a bite of his own burger. Kelly rolled her eyes and said “Fine, challenge accepted.

I ate as quickly as I could. For all of twenty seconds, at which point my body began to remind me that I had just eaten a ton of pie before class. Thankfully, I was pretty good at dealing with pain, and managed to down my burger before slowing down much. It helped that the burger was actually really good. I felt the juicy, savory hamburger patty breaking apart under my teeth, the cool crunch of the lettuce, the. . . “Done!” Kelly said with a heaving breath, I hadn’t even touched my fries yet. So, I looked up at her, honestly glad that I could stop eating. The greasy, heavy hamburger patty felt like a lead ball in my stomach, I suppressed the urge to groan, as Frank said “Good job babe. You won!” Charlie showed his tact by mouthing to me, “Is the pie a secret?” I shook my head and he said, “Hey, I’m impressed that you were aw to pull that much off after all that pie. Which reminds me, what happened to that last slice?” I gave him a guilty smile and said “Hey. That’s a good point. I had pie earlier.” Then an idea hit me, so I said to Kelly, “I challenge you to a rematch! Tomorrow, or whenever I’m not already full.” Before laughing a bit.

Kelly groaned and hardly got an “N-“ sound before she noticed an excited look in Frank’s face and rolled it into, “Not here though. Campus food is too expensive. I’ll do it, but at McDonald’s, or Carl’s Jr. or something.”

The rest of our meal was pretty standard, then, Kelly and Frank were parked on one end of the parking lot, with Charlie and I leaving in the other direction, leaving me alone with Charlie, who asked me, “So, what was all that about? If you don’t mind my asking.” I thought the truth sounded shallow, so I replied, “Nothing. I’m just, you know, competitive. Yeah, that’s all.” Charlie gave me a look that screamed, “I know you’re full of it.” But said nothing beyond, “You know, I’d love to see the rematch, if you’re able to eat like that on a full stomach, I know you’ll kick her butt when you’re actually hungry.” I laughed, before saying, “Thanks Charlie.’ As I thought that I’d better. If Frank is into eating like that, then I don’t think I have a prayer of getting with him after failing twice in a row.

I said goodbye to Charlie and got into my car, driving home without even turning on the radio. I spoke to myself as I drove, “So, I need to get better at eating. A lot better at it. I can’t really change much by tomorrow though. So, I’ll have to win, then have a tie breaker with Kelly, a few weeks out. Then I’ll fucking obliterate her in the grand finale. If Frank has a thing for girls eating, I’ll have him drooling over me. Good. Plan made.” I laughed in a way that, frankly, reminded me of a supervillain, which only made me laugh more.