Should I. . .

Chapter 1

Note to the reader: this story is written from a shifting, first person perspective. The point of view character can change between any two paragraphs. When it does so the change shall be proceeded by a separate paragraph containing only the POV character’s name. Like so,

River

Why am I like this?

I want to gain weight, to be a living water bed who does nothing but eat and have sex. No, to be fed and fucked, I don’t want to DO anything at all, ever again. I want it all done to me, for me, not by me. I want to be able to just lie down, close my eyes, and feel good.

Then, at the same time, I hate that thought. It is weak, lazy, even pathetic. I want to be strong, fast, energetic, and driven. To be an athlete, to climb the corporate ladder, to excel at something, anything at all.

So, I am pulled in two, opposite directions by my heart and mind. It makes dieting hard. Hell, it makes living hard, it just hits dieting the most obviously. A lot of women are on yo-yo diets because of a battle of willpower, drugs, diet, and exercise; these things stand against taste, smell, pleasure, hunger, and instinct. But my battle doesn’t even make it that far. No, on my goal alone I am torn, should I work hard to stay skinny, beautiful and beloved? Should I give in to my carnal, base nature, and become a flipping whale? Should I try and strike some sort of balance between the two? Even people who are completely set on staying thin often fail to do so. So, it’s no surprise that I am gaining weight at a decent pace. I used to be skinny as fuck. But I am getting ahead of myself.

My name is River, mainly because my parents were both stupidly huge Dr. Who fans. I have brown hair and eyes, I am 5’3” which Google tells me is exactly average. Yet, it leaves me feeling pretty short more often than not. I weigh a hundred and sixty pounds, which Google also says is pretty close to the national average, and also leaves me feeling less than others. My skin is a tanned, olive color, which also feels like its fairly average, neither light nor dark. Even my chest is a C, which feels like it is neither large nor small, yet leaves me feeling inadequate somehow.

It extends beyond my body too, I did averagely in school. I got all Bs and Cs, not an A or an F to be seen in my grades at all. I tried out to be a cheerleader in high school, and missed the cut, because average wasn’t good enough for them, and average is all I ever was.

But when I try to change I can’t decide on anything for long. I want to dye my hair something uncommon? I give up before I can even strip the brown out of it, because I don’t want an ugly bed of straw on my head. I try to lose weight to be thin? I am then filled with the desire to stuff myself silly, either from hunger, or from a desire to be heavy. Did I try to jump in the deep end and gain weight intentionally? Then I am filled with shame and despair until I stop. I always end up painfully average, always middle ground, always boring. Time after time I’ve tried to feel special, to be something amazing. Hell, even to be amazingly bad somehow. But I always fall short of heaven, and always shy away from hell. So average I remain. guess I should be thankful, plenty of people are ugly, weak, slow, stupid, or fat. Then, despite doing everything they can to change, they simply can’t. But I am giving nearly no consistent effort, and still stay above the worst-case scenario in basically every metric of a person’s quality. I don’t want to be ungrateful, but I just can’t stop being average, and I can’t stop hating it.

I tried to diet and work out at the gym to be skinny, strong, or fast. I was scared off by difficulty, anxiety, and pain. Then I tried to study to get smarter. No change there either. Then I went to a tanning salon to get tanned. A week later I figured it was a waste of money and stopped. Hell, even things like staying inside to get lighter skin, letting myself eat freely to gain weight, and the like always failed when I usually got afraid and stopped before I saw any noticeable change at all.

Until it happened, a I found online was focused on people intentionally gaining weight and appreciating fat wherever it already was. They even had weekly meetings in LA. I normally hate the big city, and avoid it like the plague. The traffic alone leaves me feeling claustrophobic and trapped, and it only gets worse when I look at the crowds and buildings. But I need this, and the meetings are on the outskirts of the city anyway, thank God. So I decided to go.

When I arrived I saw something beautiful. There were a dozen women who were various sizes. Some were smaller than me, some were big enough that they needed scooters to get around, and everything between was present as well. They had a similar spread of men, but I was more focused on the girls. I had a mission after all, I wanted to be like them.

So, as I walked in, I saw that there there was a hefty blonde woman speaking at a podium. I walked in mid speech, and heard, “. . .So, I chose to pick a side, no more half measures, I would let myself go. No, I would do more than just that. I would choose to gain some weight. I did vacillate for over a year. But, when I finally put on ten pounds I liked it, then I gained another twenty, and loved that. So, I decided I would keep gaining weight until I stopped liking it. I never stopped liking it, so I just keep gaining more. How did it work out?” The woman gave a hearty laugh, and indicated her own body, saying “Look at me. I used to weigh one twenty, and I’m three times that heavy now. I haven’t regretted a single ounce of that gain. Hell, I’m just starting to think that I might want to stop gaining more weight for the first time, and even that’s only because it’s becoming too difficult to move around for my taste.” The crowd broke into applause the moment it was clear that the blonde was done speaking. I didn’t even notice that I was clapping myself until I looked down and saw my arms moving.

Then, the speaker started to take questions, I decided to follow my heart and raised my hand. I was called on almost instantly, and spoke without thinking, “What would you tell someone who wants to gain weight, but is afraid to?” then I thought I sounded like a wannabe reporter as she answered, “Hard as it may sound. Just start, force yourself to gain a little bit of weight, and make a level headed assessment of how it looks, how it feels, how people react to it. Measure everything you care about. Then, once you’ve gained a bit, whatever feels like a threshold to you, decide where to go from there. Do it based on your own values and experience. My threshold was after gaining ten pounds intentionally, and I’ll admit, I have looked back plenty of times, but I haven’t regretted my actions once.” I thanked the blonde woman for her answer and saw myself out as she answered other questions.

I stepped out of the building and ran into a man with short, black hair and a beard to match, he had the same, tan skin as me. The man said “Hey, sorry if this is too forward, but my name is Jim, would you like to go on a date?” I looked him up and down and, rather than answering his question, asked one of my own, “So, are you here because you want to gain weight too?” Jim Smiled and shook his head, showing bright, white teeth as he did. He then said, “Nope. I just like the idea of women gaining weight, and figured this was a good place to find somebody who’d be on board with that. Sorry if I’m being too forward. I kind of figured that this would be one of those like, trial and error type things, where the first few people I spoke to would run away screaming, but I’d eventually figure out how to talk about this without sounding awful.” I found his honesty endearing, and said “If you want a date, I’m down to try. But, just as a heads up, I’m not sure whether I actually want to gain weight or not.” Jim nodded to me and said, “So, we can find out together, you know that I’m into this. So you can speak to me freely, no judgment here.” I nodded, feeling pretty good about this.

Jim

I liked this woman. I just want to cuddle with her. She’s cute, like, my mind did not scream “Damn she’s sexy,” when I saw her, but I want to lie down with her and cuddle. Is that weird?

I shook the thought from my mind and asked River, “So, what are your pros and cons about gaining weight?” she laughed and said, “It’s refreshing to have somebody just lay their cards on the table like that. To answer your question, it’s kinda complicated. Like, I’ve always liked the idea of gaining weight. It’s hot but,” and she sighed deeply, continuing, “I have no idea how people will take it. Will they be mad at me? Will they hate me? Will gaining weight make me sick? Maybe even kill me? I just don’t know.” My head spun on how to answer that. In the end I figured I’d just be honest and spoke my heart, saying, “Hate you? I’m sure some folks will if you’re super ‘in your face,’ about it. But I doubt it’s gonna kill many serious opportunities for you, unless you want to be an athlete or a model, it’s only a problem if you gain A LOT of weight.” I took a deep breath and continued, “most folks don’t care all that much either way, the biggest reaction you’ll usually get is some funny looks and fewer dates. But nah, no real Hate unless you’re like, hundreds of pounds overweight. Same for health. My understanding is that being overweight makes you a bit more likely to have just about every medical issue under the sun. With the odds getting worse the more weight you gain. So, I’d do what the speaker inside said. Gain a small amount of weight, have a calm, level head about the risks and rewards. Then decide where you want to go from there. Gain more weight, lose some, or stay the same. So, what do you think?”

River gave me a funny look for a moment, then said, “Yeah, that seems to be the consensus around these parts.” Then she smiled and said, “So, I’m gonna make your day. You said you like the idea of girls gaining weight, right?” I could feel my heart beating and a smile crawl across my face as I nodded. I was pretty sure I knew what she’d say next, but I suspected it was just wishful thinking, and swallowed most of my reaction. But, I could still feel myself blushing as I smiled. River continued, “So, I’ll put on like, ten pounds, and see how I feel. You can watch and let me know what you think.” When River finished talking, I let myself laugh. She gave me an inquisitive look, so I explained myself, “I thought you were gonna say that. But I tried not to let myself get my hopes up too much. It is just too hot to imagine you plumping up like crazy. Sorry if that’s kinda skeezy.” River held up her hands and said, “No, not at all. I just did exactly what you’d hoped for, and you were expecting to be shot down a dozen times before getting a positive response. So, I can’t blame you for being excited. Take your win and be glad.” She then flashed me a smile, and said, “So, I would normally go home and have a small dinner. But since I’m actually trying to put on a few pounds for once. Well, what fast food do you like around here? I’m not picky, so you decide.”

River

I got into my car to meet Jim at McDonald’s for lunch. As I drove, I spoke to myself, “Okay, I’m doing it. Is this a bad idea? Like, I’ve been trying to lose weight for months now, and I’m only down like, five pounds. Hell, this diet has worked better than most. Do I want to throw all that work away? Double that work if I gain ten pounds before even deciding. Will I even be able to lose the weight again? Did I agree to this because they made it sound impermanent and easy to undo, when it really isn’t?” then I fell silent, still wondering, is this whole thing final by the time I even gain ten pounds? What the hell am I even doing?

I pulled into the parking lot, to see Jim standing there, waiting for me. He waved as he noticed me getting out of my car, and I did my best to wear a smile. My best apparently wasn’t good enough to fool the man though, as Jim calmly, but sadly, said “Second thoughts? It’s fine if you don’t want to do this after all.” The sorrow on his face was like a dagger through my heart. He was clearly trying to be good, while he silently wished that I would still gain weight.

Jim

What’s wrong with me? Am I really just forcing this girl to eat for my own perverted pleasure? No, no I am not. I was just being friendly and got excited, I even told her everything. I was transparent. So, maybe I should keep that up and just say it. I sighed deeply and said, “Yeah, I was looking forward to seeing you gain weight. But you don’t have to. Hell, you don’t even have to gain weight to keep dating me, I’ll-“ and River cut me off by saying, “No I,” and swallowing hard, “I always back down here. I’ve decided to gain weight a thousand times before, and I always stopped before anything noticeable happened,” she sighed once again and began to smile nervously as she continued. “I’ve been thinking,” as she put a hand on the front door of the McDonald’s, “I’ve got to start now, and go up to ten pounds gained, no matter what happens.” With that, River opened the door and stepped inside. So, I followed her to see that nobody was in line, and River was appropriating the window, saying, “Can I get a double cheeseburger, a meal. No, ten of them” holding up ten fingers. River then shook her head, and said, “No, that’s too much. Let’s get one, and, uumm,” she looked at the menu, before perking up and practically shouting, “And a McFlurry. Oh! And an order of nuggets. The little one.” River then she licked her lips and groaned, saying, “No! The biggest one!” she shook her head again, and said, “No, that’s huge. Maybe, like, the uumm, mediumish?” the worker smiled widely, clearly suppressing laughter as she asked, “Does a ten-peace order sound good?” River smiled and nodded nervously. After River finished paying, I got a daily double and a drink. Normally I’d order more, but I had a feeling that somebody would have extra chicken nuggets to get rid of soon.


River


I sat down my food as Jim did the same. This meal was truly gigantic. I had eaten this burger by itself as a meal before, and felt guilty for it being too much food. But now, it was only the first course, beside fries, a soda, and a McFlurry, along with enough nuggets to be a meal for two people. So, it was no surprise when I halved the burger, without any issues. As I ate I could feel the burning ache of fear and anxiety building up in my stomach, causing me pain so bad that I couldn’t even feel the fullness.

I sighed, cleared my head, and said, “Okay. I want to stop now,” as I set down the cheeseburger. Jim asked, “Too full to have more?” I shook my head, then realized I might be. So, I shrugged and said, “Maybe? I honestly don’t know.” Jim nodded along and asked me, “Afraid of what gaining means?” I nodded, and he continued, “Even just ten pounds?” I replied, “Yeah, I don’t know if I can even do it by myself.” Then an idea hit me so hard that I gasped, and nearly inhaled some sauce. Then I said, “That’s it! I can’t do it by myself. Maybe I can with help. Can you, help me?” Jim replied, “I don’t know. That depends, what do you want me to do for you exactly?” I sighed and said, “Make me eat more. Like, push me to. You have my permission. No, I am begging you.”


Jim


Am I hearing this right? I had to be sure, so I asked, “Okay, River. Just to be positive this isn’t just wishful thinking in my head. You want me to help fatten you up? Like, coach you, or bring you food. Maybe even feed you?” River nodded and I said “Okay. Done.” While doing my level best not to be too obviously gleeful. My level best was not enough to stop myself from smiling though.

I picked up the remainder of the cheeseburger and held it across the table, saying, “Lean forward and open your mouth.” River nodded, furtively saying, “Y-yeah, okay.” Before leaning forward, opening her mouth, and closing her eyes. I slowly moved the burger toward River’s face as she made an, “aaahhhh,” noise.

River

I felt the hamburger bun slide into my mouth and bit down to taste and feel hamburger meat, cheese, and lettuce, all drenched in sauce. I chewed for a moment then swallowed. Then I opened my mouth and awaited the next bite, thinking about how weirdly intimate this was, completely giving control to another, and trusting them to feed you. I felt the acidic ache in my stomach give way to an entirely different sort of ache located elsewhere entirely.

Jim

I felt a weird sort of nervous excitement and desire filling me. It was like I was a teenager asking a girl out on a date for the first time again. As River took another bite, I had an insane combination of desires and feelings. All at once, I wanted to shove the rest of the burger into River’s open mouth, I wanted to strip her naked, and I wanted to take her, bent over this table, and do unspeakable things to her. I knew that none of that was a good idea right now, but I wanted to. River let out a small moan in what could have been pleasure or pain, I honestly couldn’t tell which. I told her, “Okay, you’re doing great,” River belched slightly and opened her eyes saying, “Excuse me, I’m so sorry, I,” I held up a hand and noticed her blushing, as I said, “Don’t worry about that River, I, uumm, I, well,” and I could feel that I was blushing as well, as I said, “I actually think that’s kind of hot. Like, it shows that you’ve been eating a lot, and that is, uumm,” my words completely abandoned me there. River took my hand and burped again, saying, “Heh, I didn’t think you would, but I’m glad, it’ll probably get worse as I eat more.” I did my best not to grin as I thought. Worse? Or better?

After taking one more breath, River muttered, “I can’t believe im saying this,” quietly. I asked her “What?” and River replied, “I think I’m ready for a bit more. Can you feed me some fries? Or nuggets, maybe both.” I smiled and said, “Well, you are a glutton for-“ and she put a finger over my lips, saying, “For food, that’s what I’m shooting for now.”

River

My stomach hurt, badly. I am starting to suspect that it had been hurting for a while, but I didn’t really feel it, since I was too focused on fear and anxiety to even notice the pain. But now that was gone. Wait, it’s gone? Excitement overtook me as I opened my eyes, excitedly shouting, “I’M NOT AFRAID!” Jim asked me, “Not afraid of what?” and I dropped my voice to normal, saying “Fat, I’m not afraid of getting fat,” and I licked my lips before adding, “Like, my stomach hurts like hell, and I want to stop, but that’s all I can really feel right now.” Jim slid an empty sleeve of French Fries forward, and said “and you’ve got good timing. That was your last fry. If you’re too full for more right now, don’t worry about that. Gaining weight isn’t an all or nothing thing after all. You’ve already eaten more than you normally would. Treat this like a marathon, not a sprint. You don’t want to burn out on day one of your gaining. That was your issue before, right? Here,” and he slid my half empty McFlurry to me, saying, “Just finish this sometime today. If you want to beat your anxiety, consistently telling it to shut up will be better for you than occasional gorging anyway. So, as your coach I’m giving you some homework. Go home and finish that McFlurry. Extra credit is to try and have a snack between any two meals. It will add up to gaining in the long run. Oh, and here’s my number.” Then he began to fish his phone out of his pocket.

Jim

After we finished sharing numbers River stood up and left, so excited that she didn’t even remember to say goodbye. I scooped up the little paper box of nuggets and said, “I’ll just give her a W for today and take these.” I opened the box and picked up a nugget, saying “besides,” as I tossed a nugget into my mouth, “I’m still kind of hungry anyway.”