Who’s to Say What Is Right?

Chapter 1 - In the beginning

As I begin upon this reflection of self, from my current position, I feel that it's only fair to think back to those beginnings, those early days.

There's a question that had came up a lot over my adolescence and my early adult life. That of "when did you first realise?"

Truth is, that there never was an hallelujah or a definitive moment that from such a date that I started to feel this way. Perhaps it was always there, dormant, waiting.

That's possibly the fairest description of it that I can muster at the moment. Dormant, from the French, Dormez, to sleep.

It showed signs of bringing itself to the fore on multiple occasions. Like so many of us know already; that episode of the Simpsons, pillow stuffing, or even unknowingly sketching fatter characters on pieces of paper.

Then in adolescence, I found the typical tv shows, and it had a name now. Feederism.

Once I had discovered it and made my way onto the internet, it was no longer dormant. It was now, a fundamental part of me.

Fantasy became an escape from reality, of dreaming about fattening partners or fattening me. I never acted upon either. That is until our timeline through the biggest opportunity my way. Work from home and Lockdown.

Things wouldn't be the same again.

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I remember the uncertainty at first, shield, work from home, the panic buying. Living alone and without any social boundaries, perhaps that's when the inevitable happened. Boredom eating, snacking, grazing, it has many terms.

Truth is, there was little else to spend money on. No gym, no night life, no office pressures.

And so "another bite of.." became the thought that the once dormant part of me inserted into my routine.

Gradually, those snacks, those over indulgences began to accumulate. I ate what it wanted, when it wanted. The new feeling of euphoria accompanying that of being full and stuffed.

Clothes tightened, I grew... and I liked it.

I had never been toned, more slender really, but I soon had started to spread. Softer, thicker. And the aforementioned part of me grew along with it, snacks became scheduled, dinner servings increased, indulgence began and gluttony beckoned to me like a siren's song.

I began to habitually overeat and laze, my steps recorded by my phone wilted downwards. Only recording those willing voyages to the fridge and cupboards. Incredibly I didn't notice at first, those tightening clothes, the restricted downward view or even the increased hunger

Until I struggled into my once loose comfort clothes. My belly prevented it from fastening, my top stubbornly refusing to cover it

"Looks like trouble" I thought to myself, the desire to stop trying against the rumble of my willing belly and that switch in my mind wanting more


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"More" won. The comfortable clothes were cascaded to the pile of things that were no longer fitting.

The switch was firmly on, I began to really pig out. To really gorge, to really hunger for fat.